I didn't forget my meds this morning. I have book club tonight. I am going to be spending tomorrow cleaning my parents' house for some money. On Sunday I am making some stuff for our Etsy shop and hanging out with my family, and maybe having some people over. L still slept like crap last night (thanks to sinus congestion + teething).
Nothing major has changed, but I feel so much better today. Thank science for Zoloft, mood stabilizer extraordinaire.
I happily (well, okay, as happily as possible, given what it is) used (and use) a Medela Pump In Style Advanced pump so I could provide breastmilk for my son and now for my daughter. I am using the same pump that I bought nearly 4 years ago, and man, it's really obviously been USED. The pump itself still works great (so yay for that) but the bag? Not in good shape at all. So I called customer service to ask if there was any way to just replace the bag. Nope. The woman was very nice and offered me 20% off a new pump, but hello, if I had the money to buy a new pump I would not have called about a new bag. I am not about to waste a perfectly good pump (and another $200) just to replace a bag! It's just...wasteful. I mean, it's bad enough that we can't recycle these somehow (given the whole contamination risk thing) so many pumps get used for a few months and then what? Trash? Sent to a family member? What? So I guess I will be making a new bag. Because this is getting embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure I forgot my meds today. That or I'm in a "down" cycle and just having a rough day. My brain is all "YOU FORGOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT! FEEL GUILTY!" and the rest of me is all "Meh, lets take a nap and not work."
Also, is fucksocks not a great word? Thank you, Christopher Moore.
Ikea was absolutely everything I dreamed it would be (C does not approve, but my feeling is that it's better than Target or Walmart). J ate all his meatballs (kids eat free on Tuesdays, which is why we went today) and got a compliment from the table next to us about how well behaved he was at the table and how nicely he was eating his lunch. To me, it's just every day, but this guy actually said he wished his granddaughter was as good! I love hearing that my kid is awesome, and it's so nice to get kudos from total strangers.
Things got scary when J wandered off. They have lots of little model rooms/apartment type setups, and James went in a bedroom which I didn't realize had another door. He went out that other door, and just kept going, and by the time I realized what had happened he was nowhere to be found. I have never been so terrified as I was when I could not find my child. Fortunately the Ikea people are well-equipped to deal with such things, and also with tearful moms (yep, I cried in front of a bunch of total strangers). It turns out he'd made his way about 1/8 of the entire floor and was hanging out with some women he'd attracted. He'd just followed one lady, saying "Mom? Mom! Mom?" and she asked him if he was lost. He said he was, and told her his name. Thank goodness he knows his name and can even pronounce it reasonably well (our last name is a 4 syllable Polish name, and when he says it, it comes out something like Wakowski). I got to him as fast as I could and I hugged him so tight he got embarrassed, and I cried in front of some more people. I am actually tearing up now just remembering. Motherhood is hard, man.
We did buy a couple of things, including a tiny plush snake (for J) and a tiny plush moose (for L), and a plastic bag holder for all the bags we have for picking up after the dogs. Suddenly our front closet is way less messy!
I awoke early to get ready for my first day of college at the University of Denver. My roommate was still asleep. The air felt strange and heavy but I thought it was just in my head and tried to ignore it while I showered. I turned on the radio when I got back to my room, to listen as I got dressed. I remember taking my vitamins. The DJ was somber and he was talking about a plane crash. He was talking alongside a broadcast from New York. Screams of utter shock erupted as the second plane struck. I woke up my roommate, shaking her gently, telling her I think you should hear this.
I can feel it here, under my skin. Writhing. Panic, trying to build, making my body an ill fit. It is trying to break through, but hasn't yet. I fight it. I feel isolated and uncomfortable, like something is just WRONG but I can't pin it down. I should channel it into a story, I guess. It isn't quite a tickle, it's just a feeling, crawling along the nerves of my spine like a repressed shudder between my shoulder blades. Phantom wings trapped beneath my skin. It's the same sensation that maggots or larvae give me, but less urgent. I can resist the panicky shudders. Gooseflesh under the muscles of my back. Melancholy. Deep sadness that comes from OUT THERE somewhere. I feel like I've done something wrong, guilt courses through me, but I've done nothing.
Ah, yes. The battle with the baby weight: The Sequel.
When I got pregnant with J, I weighed 135 pounds. This put me at a BMI of 24.7. I gained 18 pounds during that pregnancy, and had gotten down to around 120 at some point post pregnancy, but then gained back a shload of weight to be at 140 (BMI 25.6) in spite of my weightloss efforts, when L took up residence in my ute. While I only gained 21 pounds with her, I was at about 150 after she was born. I knew it would be more of a struggle to lose weight this time, because I weighed more to begin with (although yes, I know, 5 pounds gained between pregnancies isn't bad).
I am exclusively breastfeeding, and feeding on demand (and pumping while at work, as well as in the evenings to keep up with L), so I don't want to start a serious exercise regimen and cause my supply to tank. I've been doing well losing weight slowly just by keeping my diet in check.
Here's the breakdown so far on my weight loss (by weeks postpartum)
Starting weight: 161 (at 39w6d pregnant)
9 weeks (6/27/11): Return to work, weight 142
16 weeks (8/17ish): Weight 140! Reward: new nail polish
19 weeks (9/6/11): Weight 138. Woot!
135 pounds (BMI 24.7): NEW SHOES!
130 pounds (BMI 23.8): Something bigger than shoes?
125 pounds (BMI 22.9): Something bigger than bigger than shoes?
Ultimate goal: 120 (BMI 21.9, where I was when C and I got married)! Reward: $100 in new clothes (consignment or new, doesn't matter)
If I can keep my weight between 120 and 125 for 1 year, I will reward myself with a tattoo that I've been wanting to get for a while. I plan to get a Mobius strip that's got 3 sides, (one for each child and one for C) with "L'chaim" written in Hebrew below it. No, I'm not Jewish, but I think that it sounds better than "to life" and it's a positive affirmation to associate with my family and my body.