Thursday, December 31, 2009

Resolutions and Other Such Beasts

First and foremost, being sick while you are on vacation sucks donkey balls. Seriously. Why is it that the one time when C and I are both home, and everything should be all relaxing and merry (read: time to make whoopie), I get the head cold from hell again? How is that fair? Ugh. Sleeping til 11 this morning helped a lot, though. (Yes, J slept that late too. He's also sick, and yeah, I know that we're incredibly lucky that our almost 2 year old sleeps that long!)

On to my "resolutions."

I think I should start by saying that I think that New Year's resolutions are sort of pointless. I remember in college, from January 1-15 you'd be hard pressed to find an available stairmaster, elliptical, or treadmill at the gym, even at 5am. Starting January 16, though, you'd notice that there were more available all the time. I've noticed that people tend to make resolutions like the following:
  • I resolve not to argue with my husband/kids/coworkers/boss any more. (This resolution, while admirable, is doomed to failure, as clearly if someone has to resolve this there are deeper issues that would make this impossible to carry out for long.)
  • I resolve quit eating so much/drinking so much/smoking. (Good luck, but just resolving that is not so likely to make it happen. You need to actually do something to carry this out, not just say that you want to, and a support system is a must. This resolution is way too easy to just blow of and say "I'll start tomorrow.")
  • I resolve to exercise more. (Vague, very easy to weasel out of, but admirable to want.)
I think you get my point. People, in general, tend to resolve things that sound great but really involve far more effort than they really want to put forth. It is also very easy to make excuses about why you haven't followed up on your resolutions.

Anyway, in that super optimistic spirit, here are my "resolutions:"
1. I am going to lose 20 pounds by July 1. I will do this by keeping up with my SparkPeople tools, the support of my friends, and my exercising as much as I can once this stupid cold clears up and I can do stuff without coughing up my spleen or drowning in snot. I'm not kidding about the drowning, I've gone through a whole small box of kleenex since yesterday. (See? There I go, making excuses already.) This will likely involve the resurrection of the Fitness Diaries.
2. Continue being frugal (stick to the $40 a week for groceries, not going shopping when it's not necessary, etc). This will be helped by the fact that J is tolerating cow's milk very well, and we hope to have him totally off goat milk by his birthday(ish) so he will be a 100% cow milk drinking kid. The frugal thing also includes efforts to be "green" and conserve energy.
3. Improve my efforts to keep the house as clean and homey as possible. This has been made slightly easier by the fact that my mom gave J a bookcase/toy holder cube thingy with 9 slots for storing fabric boxes of his many, many toys. That has helped order the living room enormously. Yay!

Yeah, I think 3 is about good. What can I say, I feel like crap. Goodbye 2009.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Failed Experiment

I had been, for the last week or so, taking only 50 mg of my Zoloft instead of the 75 I am supposed to take. I was hoping I'd be ready to wean myself back down. FAIL. Also, fail because I forgot to take my meds this morning.

Not a fucking chance. Of course it wouldn't be that easy. Why on Earth would I expect that I could deal with that on top of the stress of dealing with lots of people (particularly family) for 3 days straight. Or, better yet, expect that I could deal with all of this as well as trying to make Christmas gift bags with homemade goodies when I have no time, and without snapping someone's head off?

Apparently I am still crazy after all these years. Har de har har. I actually really hurt my mother in law's feelings tonight and I feel absolutely wretched, and it doesn't help that DH is mad at me for it. As if I don't hate myself enough. I didn't mean to be such a whiny bitch, I really didn't. I love my MIL and it kills me that I hurt her feelings. I honestly hate myself right now. I just can't stand this person that is residing in my body and making me say these things and feel so damn bitchy. I hate it. I hate this. HATE THIS. I am constantly on the edge of either an outrage or tears. Wonderful. I want to hurt myself. I won't but that doesn't take away the memory of the relief of watching the blood droplets well to the surface in the blade's wake. God I hate this. WHY ME? Why can't I be fucking NORMAL without needing medication? It isn't fair. It isn't fucking FAIR. I just feel so horrid. I am a horrible person. I hate myself.

I know I won't hurt myself. I know I won't hurt anyone or anything. It just hurts so bad. I can't even explain it. At least I'm not having a fucking panic attack. So I've got that going for me. Honestly I prefer the panic attacks to loathing myself and the occupant of my head masquerading as me.

It also doesn't help that I weighed myself recently. 142. That may not sound like much to you but that tells me I have gained 20 pounds in six months. TWENTY POUNDS. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I can't stand this. What the fuck is wrong with me? (Yeah, I know. Serotonin imbalance. Whatever.) I feel so helpless and horrible. I hate this. I want to rip myself apart just to feel something else. And the fucking tears won't even come. I am just sitting here with my eyes burning and nothing is happening. NOTHING.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

In the Spirit

From my lovely friend Cyndi (who works with kids in the legal system):

One of my kiddos picked the week before Christmas to blow her foster home placement and get placed at the Family Crisis Center.  I just hate knowing any of my kids are in there for the holidays.  I just picked her up and took her to lunch so we could talk about what's going on and figure out what to do next.
She's 12 years old.  She sat down at Chili's and looked blankly at the menu for a long time before she admitted, basically, that she was too overwhelmed to look at it and figure out how to choose something and order.  Too many things to pick from.  Then she went on to tell me that she doesn't think she's ever been out to eat and, if she has, she doesn't know when. 
So I helped her figure out what she was in the mood for, something spicy and juicy, and suggested she get the cajun sirloin.  She was absolutely dumbfounded that I would pay for her to get a steak.  She then ate, more like inhaled, the entire 16 oz slab plus the huge sides in about 10 minutes and still had room left over for desert.  She told me at the end that she had never eaten so well before and started crying and gave me a huge hug.
Something I do at least once a week, sometimes twice, go out to eat and order whatever sounds good.   I just take it for granted.  I needed a good dose of looking at it through this girl's eyes, how grateful she was for such a simple pleasure.  Just a reminder to say thanks for everything we have, no matter how small and remember there are folks out there during the holidays who have so little.

From the beautiful Sam: (Background: it is currently 6 degrees in the city today, with snow on the ground.)

I just caught the tail end of their interaction, but there was a man on the train who appeared to be homeless. (Tattered & holey clothes, a jacket that was barely being held on by a few threads. And I don't know of a kind way to put it, but he didn't smell good.) There was a gal that had been talking to him, and I noticed she was only in short sleeves, but was holding her coat.
As the man went to get off the train, she gave him her jacket and told him there was some money in it.
What a kind & selfless gesture, to give someone your own coat, especially on a morning like this one.
I'm tearing up now just thinking about it again.
Merry Christmas.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hot Tip! Free Cold Stone!

My lovely friend Adrianne posted this on FB. If you go to the Cold Stone Creamery website and join the birthday club (and while you're at it, sign up the kids and husband too!) and you will get a free ice cream (with mix ins!) for your birthday. Mmmm. Free ice cream. You really can't beat that.


Edit: The easiest way to do this is actually to create a My Cold Stone account for yourself first. Then once you get the verification email, you can enter other family members under your account for the birthday ice cream.

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful...

Ok, so it was actually warmer today than it has been in like 2 weeks, but the dogs must have been cold! (Yeah, I put the blanket over them, but mainly it was that I wanted the blanket and they happened to be in the dragging path.)

Friday, December 11, 2009

10 Things I Hate About My Bank

We bank with a well-known chain. I have hated them for a while, but we are finally taking steps toward leaving them (to the extent that we can, as we still have a loan with them), which feels *fabulous* by the way. Here are just *SOME* reasons why we hate the devil bank.

1. "Free" online bill pay is not free. It's $7 a month.
2. Overdraft "protection" at $35 a pop, even when my paycheck went through the same day, they just retroactively posted the overdrafts earlier than the paycheck, even though the paycheck went through first and the overdrafts weren't even "pending" at the time the check went through.
3. Non-helpful customer service when I call about above overdraft timing (i.e. "there's nothing I can do, because that 5 minutes difference is forever")
4. Not assisting us to get caught up on being perpetually in the hole due to direct deposit advances.
5. This article. NOT COOL, jackasses.
6. ATMs are hard for me to reach from the car with my stubby arms (ok, that's not really specific to this bank, but whatever).
7. Charging a maintenance fee greater than the interest earned on a savings account so that we actually lose money by having the savings account.
8. "Overdraft" credit card interest rate. 30%. For serious.
9. Not free ATMs.
10. They just don't give a flying fuck about how much they are hurting the average person trying to get out of debt. Money grubbing assholes. Plus, dog killers.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


I am thankful/blessed that my son was born at full term, and is healthy.

I am thankful/blessed that my son is alive today, and that he is able to be a pain in the ass sometimes.

I am thankful/blessed that my son is smart and has no developmental issues.

I am thankful/blessed that my son is way into sleeping well, and potty training.

I am thankful/blessed that we have the money to help someone less fortunate this year.

I am thankful for/blessed with my friends and my family.

I am thankful/blessed.

Please pray for Jillian's mommy and daddy.

Monday, December 7, 2009

*Sniff* My little boy is growing up...

J is 23 months old today.

He has peed on his frog potty twice. Tonight it was pretty obvious that he didn't really need to go, but he tried anyway and he squeezed out a couple drops.

I'm so proud of my boy!

I know, I know, potty training isn't nice talk. But he's my kid and he's not even 2 yet and he has used his frog potty twice in two days!