Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Huh?

WTF, body? WTF?

I have no idea what is going on. I have not had any ovulation signs at all other than the temp shift that may or may not have happened sometime in the last week or so. Hmm. We'll just see what tomorrow brings, I guess.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

J's Birth Story

I finally got around to putting J's birth story up, it can be found here.

Of Tummy Bugs and Late Ovulation

It turns out I had a stomach bug of some kind. I threw up on the way home from my sister's shower. Fortunately my mom was driving, and I was able to ask her to pull over and we were actually in a place where pulling over was an option. I hate puking. At least puking from a bug makes you feel better afterward, unlike with morning sickness. When I woke up this morning I felt 100% better, which is good.

Also, my chart is all kinds of crazy. If I include the temperature from a few days ago that was 96.6, it says I ovulated a few days ago, but only based on my temperatures. However, that is also taking into account this morning's temperature of 98.2, which is insanely high. Those temperatures were both due to environment; the super low one was when I woke up with only the sheet and I was freezing, and this morning I had woken slightly a few times just before I took my temp (but not awake enough to realize I should take my temperature) and I had so many covers on that I was sweating. So basically it looks like I am ovulating later than I ever have before, since I am currently on CD29 (cycle day 29). I'm not really thinking that the cycle day is entirely accurate either, because until CD11 I still had the Implanon. If I don't count those 11 days as part of this cycle, then I am only on CD18, 10 days away from my latest-ever ovulation. Really it doesn't matter at all yet, since we aren't TTC baby #2 for a while.

Oh, and this morning was really lovely so I worked on my garden a bit. My tomatoes and pepper plants are still inside, but everything else is outside now. I planted my Lilies of the Valley, my strawberries, one mound of zucchini, wild spinach, and lettuce mix. I also replanted some herb seeds in my bird-bath planter (the bird bath leaked, so I turned it into an herb garden). I am apparently the only person with the magical ability to not grow herbs. They just don't thrive under my care. Hopefully these do a bit better than the ones I tried to plant in there a few weeks ago. My stepmom and I also took advantage of the nice weather and took the dogs and J on a really nice, long walk, so I am counting that as 30 minutes of exercise. Yay!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Crap.

I've been waking up extremely nauseous the last few days. I know that it is not due to pregnancy (my chart tells no lies) so the only other thing that came to mind was a blood sugar issue. Sure enough, I checked my fasting blood sugar this morning. It was 100mg/dl. Shit. That's borderline pre-diabetes.

In case you are wondering why I have the equipment to check this, I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with J, which required checking my sugar levels 4 times a day. During my pregnancy my fasting level was never over 90mg/dl.

Shit. I guess I'd better start exercising more seriously. And cut out sugar completely.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Baby Gifts

Here are the pictures I promised of the gifts I knitted for my nieces. The blankets are folded into quarters so they'd fit in the picture.

Baby A's blanket and hat: (closeup more accurately shows the color):






Baby B's blanket and hat:


Both blankets and hats were knitted with the same patterns. The only difference is the yarn, and Baby B's blanket was knitted on 17 gauge needles where Baby A's was done on 13 gauge needles.

Baking Soda is a Wonderous Thing

I have discovered, in my quest to improve my housekeeping skills and to decrease spending as well as increase my environmental-friendliness, I have come across the many, many uses of baking soda. As an aside, you can buy a 4lb bag at Costco for something like $4.50. Compared to buying a small box at the grocery store for $3ish, that's a phenomenal deal!

Here are some of my favorite uses for baking soda:

Microdermabrasion:
For literally almost nothing, you can have a first-rate microdermabrasion experience using baking soda. I recently attempted a career in selling cosmetics for a Texas-based company (rhymes with Kary May) but failed miserably. However, in that foray into a strange world, I discovered microdermabrasion. I fell in love with how smooth my skin became, but at $30 a bottle for the exfoliant there was no way it was a truly affordable option for me. I happened to accidentally pick up a container of baking soda at the store that was in a shaker bottle rather than a box, and while reading the label noticed that it suggested using baking soda as a facial exfoliant. I was skeptical, but it works as well as the pricey stuff. Plus, you have the option of mixing it with whatever you want (no acid peels though, bad idea!) with no icky chemical additives. The container suggested using just water to make a soft paste, but I actually prefer using a dab of aloe vera gel. I am still working on perfecting this, and am going to explore adding it to a good facial cleanser gel, but since I am using a Dove facial cleansing bar at the moment so that idea really wouldn't work. Anyway, make up a paste, rub it gently into your skin, and wash it off. I do recommend using a light facial moisturizer afterward, appropriate to your skin type, as this can be somewhat drying. Mahvelous, dahling!

De-stinkifying Cloth Diapers (or laundry in general)
We use Bumgenius One Size cloth diapers, as I've said before. One downside to these particular diapers is that they cannot be bleached, so they can have a bit of residual smell even after several washings in a row. We use CountrySave detergent, which is a fantastic price and works great, in addition to being Earth-friendly. Turns out adding 1/8 to 1/4 cup of baking soda to the first diaper wash, in addition to the detergent, eliminates the poop smell! This is my wash cycle for diapers:
Hot soak cycle, with 1/2 scoop detergent added.
Hot wash cycle, 1/2 scoop detergent plus slightly less than 1/4 cup baking soda.
Cold wash cycle, 1/2 scoop detergent. -Smell the diapers, if they have any residual odor, add another wash.
Cold wash cycle, no detergent (this serves as a thorough rinse) but add 1/2 cup vinegar via the bleach dispenser.

Works great!

Cleanser!
Instead of using cleanser, try baking soda! It won't scratch your pots and pans, or your sink. Bonus effect in the sink is that it eliminates odors.

Fridge/Freezer Freshener
Put some baking soda in a small Gladware (or similar) container with holes poked in the lid. Place on a shelf in the fridge or freezer to cut down on odors!

That's all for now!


Snippets of Randomness

Counting down til 4:00 when I leave, because C has a last-minute gig tonight and I have to be home by 5 at the absolute latest.

I did hideous amounts of walking on Wednesday, but got lots of shopping done (groceries and related goods, anyway). Anyway, I am counting all that walking for something because my sciatica flared up and I got a migraine-like headache that night from doing it in non-supportive shoes.

Last night I did 25 crunches.

C and J are both sick with some kind of crud this week. J has fortunately not had any high fevers, but when I got home from work yesterday C had one of 102.1! Yikes. Needless to say, he was miserable until the ibuprofen kicked in and the fever went down. Otherwise they have sore throats and sniffy noses and coughs and are generally just pretty pitiful. They seem to be getting better today, but J still slept a lot more than he usually does.

J has a new word. He says "shoe." Sometimes he says it only if you ask him to, sometimes he'll pick up C's slippers and carry them around saying "Shoe? Shoe?" He also likes to "help" put his shoes on, which mainly consists of him setting his shoe on top of his foot so I can put it on for him. Sweet, huh?

I am almost finished with the baby blankets and hats I am making for Sister N's baby shower tomorrow. I have finished both blankets as well as the hat for Baby A, but am still working on the hat for Baby B. It should go pretty quickly. I will post pictures once both are done, hopefully they'll photograph decently!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

More Fitness (or Lack Thereof) Diaries

I took MacGuyver for a run on Friday in the rain/snow. I made it 25 minutes, and it is way easier to take just one dog than to take both. J and I took the dogs for a long walk on Sunday to enjoy the lovely weather. Otherwise, I have not really done anything to be in shape. Though Sunday morning I cleaned the garage, so maybe that counts for something?

I've been making more of an effort to take the stairs at work (I am on the 6th floor of my building) but it's a bit inconvenient to take the stairs and I don't always remember. More to work on, I guess.

ETA: I did take the dogs and J for a 30ish minute walk this evening. It was lovely. J was in his stroller, just the regular one.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Random Bits Of Cuteness



When toddlers attack...














A boy and his dogs









Hi, Mama!!














Keeping the hound company, though the hound doesn't seem to have noticed.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My laptop is risen!!

Ok, not really risen, per se, but it works again!! After a very long time of not working, we have a working power cord and a working mouse (with a neat scrolly thing)!! I am soooo excited! Now I can load pictures to this computer instead of my work computer. Wahoo!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Post 100!!

This is post number 100...I feel like it should be philosophical or something, but it isn't going to be. My scar stories post was really all the depth I feel like going into tonight.

It feels like I've come a pretty long way since I started this blog. I started it while trying to shrug off some creeping depression, and through an increase in my meds and the outlet that this blog has become, I think I've generally overcome it pretty well. I still have days where my headspace is anything but good, but overall I feel...normal. Happy. Fulfilled.

Well, look at that, I did wax philosophical somewhat.

Bonus random thought: last night= Bow Chicka Wowwow... And it was simply marvelous. I missed sex. A lot.

The Fitness Diaries
I took MacGuyver for a run in the rain this afternoon. It was much, much easier than trying to take both dogs at the same time. We made it about 20 minutes, I didn't feel nearly as much like dying, and stretching wasn't too bad. I plan to do the ab pyramid as well as some push ups before bed, probably before I take a bath. I have been having horrendous bloat the past few days, presumably my body figuring out what the hell is going on.

ETA: The ab pyramid failed to appeal, so instead I did 30 regular crunches. I did manage 10 girly push ups but that was as far as I got. *le sigh*

Scar Stories

Arch of my right foot: Running through the sprinklers with my best friend at the age of 13, I stepped on a pointy rock. My whole foot swelled up and I couldn't walk for 3 days.

Left knee: 3 scars; two small punctures from Athena catching me instead of MacGuyver when she was fighting him (age 26). The third, age 13, a boy threw his watch and it hit me during band in middle school.

Right elbow: Chicken fighting in 5th grade at recess. The boy got his legs around my waist and pulled me off the monkey bars. I landed elbow down in the gravel and needed 2 butterfly bandages and almost needed stitches.

Right hand: Two. One between my thumb and forefinger from my first pocket knife at 5 years old. I stabbed through an apple from the tree in my grandparents yard and was bleeding all over the kitchen. I was afraid to tell my mom because I didn't want her to take my knife away. The second, 10 years old, boyfriend was pushing us on the merry-go-round and his fingernail caught the back of my hand.

Left hand, middle finger: Crescent centered on the side of the top joint from a carving I tried to make at age 17. The carving has been lost to entropy; the scar remains.

Arms: Various. Some from cutting myself, some from the ex boyfriend who reached out and scratched me with the end of a broken foil. Ages 12-16. One from an IV, received early in my pregnancy with J. Upper left arm bears two scars from my Implanon: one, a year old, from insertion, resembles a tiny crescent moon. The second, still healing, a small straight line.

Face: Left side. Age 22. Tripped over MacGuyver and fell on my face on the sidewalk outside our apartment in WA. My eye swelled almost shut, 1 inch round area where the top layer of skin was gone. A small 1 centimeter scrape over my eyebrow accompanied. People gave C dirty looks whenever we went out, they must've thought he hit me with a brick or something. The larger area is now visible due to the fact that it's mostly devoid of freckles, but with some striations.

Ears: Scars from the 3rd piercings that grew closed in the last few years.

Perineum: Age 24. My stitches popped after J was born. Everything still healed and is fully functional, but it sure ain't pretty.

Stomach: Stretch marks, strange, pale webby pattern radiating about 3 inches, centered around my belly button.

Left breast: One purple stretch mark along a vein near the side of my breast. A mark of my maternity.

These scars identify me. They mark my history, my battles, my losses and my triumphs.

What do yours show?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Updates n Stuff

I haven't done much in the way of exercise since my last post, mainly because I managed to pull something in my hip so running isn't very appealing until that stops hurting. Otherwise, no excuses. I'm just lazy.

My temperature finally dropped back into my normal (well, before J normal, anyway, which I assume is still normal) pre-ovulatory range, and I've stopped spotting!! Yay!! Yes, I am a nerd, but this means that the progesterone from the Implanon is actually gone now, so my body can get back to normal. I don't know whether or not this means that I will have *another* period now that my temp dropped, but we shall see.

And now...back to work for me. I likely won't be blogging much this week since I will be horendously busy. Have a nice day!

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Fitness Diaries

I went for a run with the dogs today for about 20 minutes, and I about died. I am seriously lacking in the physical fitness department. Whew. After the first half, Athena at least mellowed out but MacGuyver is a spaz and was seriously trying to sniff, pee, and trip me the whole time. I think my friend Becca is much more talented at running with 2 dogs than I am. However, I solved my bra problem: I wore an all-cotton VS bra (labeled 34D, but I'm pretty sure it's a B because the cup is waaay smaller than my other Ds...and I should have gotten a 34DD anyway, but I digress) with a sports bra over it. Ghetto, yes? It worked though! No discomfort.

I will persist! It has to get easier, right? And maybe someday I will be coordinated enough for a 30 minute run/jog with the jogging stroller and a dog or two, right? Maybe?

I am going to be doing some serious stretching and yoga-ing this evening. Maybe some crunches and push ups, depending on my level of enthusiasm and motivation. I am wearing super soft and comfy sweats that I went running in though, which I absolutely love. I could seriously live in these pants!


ETA: Full ab pyramid, 10 reps each, and 15 girly push ups before my arms gave out. Also, still weighing in at 130.5 pounds. :-p

Houston, We Have a Toddler

J is now *officially* walking! He took his first 4 steps in a row (as opposed to one or two) yesterday, and today he took 8 steps! He was laughing too hard to walk straight when C and I tried to have him go between us, but I will try to get some video soon.

Also, he now has another tooth. Yes, that makes 15 teeth. All that remain to pop out are 1 canine (which he's working on) and his second 4 molars. Oy vey. Poor kid. At least he'll have all his teeth soon, and get a break for a few years. *knock on wood*

Dear Uterus

STOP BLEEDING.

Thanks.

ETA: 18 days of bleeding/spotting. What.The.Fuck.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Lesson Learned

Giving a 15 month old child a cupcake at 4:00 means that at 9:30 he will be laying in his crib chirping happily, an hour after being put to bed.

Apparently the multiple dashes (ok, climbs) up the stairs, as well as the chasing of older cousins around the house for an hour did very little to burn off the cupcake fuel.

At least he's happy...

ETA: The chirping lasted until 11:00. Yeah, that boy is never getting that much frosting again, ever.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

We, as our little family, celebrate Easter more as a recognition and celebration of spring, new life, and rebirth than anything else. J did get to go on 2 Easter egg hunts; one in a public park where daddies ran around and took eggs for their toddlers, so J only got one (though cousin Ian gave him one too), and the second one this afternoon at SIL R's house. J did find 7 eggs which his older cousins had hidden for the toddlers (there were 3 toddlers in attendance). This morning we all went to visit my grandma at the assisted living house for breakfast. J was, naturally, a big hit with all the little old ladies. Then we drove down to SIL R's house and ate some more! J sampled his first jellybean and his first M&M (also the only Easter candy he's getting), as well as a messy Easter cupcake. *Shockingly* he loves ham and bread.

My grandma and mom


My Little J

The Fitness Diaries

Alas, I have been so lazy about this. Last night I did 25 plain old boring crunches, and today I took the dogs for a 20 minute walk.

I am going to do the full pyramid of crunches tonight before bed, in an attempt to flatten my belly somewhat.

ETA: Crunches are done!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Jellybeans and Teddy Bears

I was maybe 4 or 5. One of Gus Mircos's daughters, a teenager at the time, gave my sister and I each some jellybeans after our parents dropped us off for the weekend. Mine were all black, and I sampled them cautiously. The tangy, spicy licorice flavor immediately captivated me and from that day onward the black ones have been my favorites.

Later that weekend, one of the Mircos girls rescued my teddy bear from under the bleachers at a high school football game. It was dark out, the lights shone artificially bright, and my little bear tumbed between the seats to the ground. Fortunately he was quickly recovered. I don't even recall which bear it was, or if I still have him. Perhaps it was my special Tortilla Flats bear, named after the restaurant where I found him when I was 3 and visiting my grandparents. Tortilla Flats currently resides in my basement with my other childhood stuffed animals, but he shows a lot more wear than the others.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Yay for a New Mommy!!

A huge, gigantic happy CONGRATULATIONS for Fredalina and Alan, who have finally gotten the children they've been wanting for years. They are the proud foster parents of two toddlers as of today! What a wonderful blessing for them, and what wonderful timing to have it happen just before the holiday celebrating new life, rebirth, and new beginnings.

My Little Toddler

J is technically a toddler, I suppose, although he isn't walking quite yet. His latest venture is "walking" on his knees from room to room so he can carry things (today's item is a blue basket from the dollar store, which may or may not have anything in it but must be carried "just so"). This child cracks me up. I took the day off from work today and he had his 15 month checkup.

The stats:
30.5" tall (40-45ish %ile)
23#, 10.5oz (40-45ish %ile)
49.1cm head circumference (95th %ile!!)

He's definitely growing! He's also started throwing little tantrums that last all of about 30 seconds when he can't get his way. In general, though, J is a very happy, easygoing child.

His current words are: Mama, Dada, dog, bird (sounds like an intermediate of bood and bud, and I cannot replicate it for anything), fish (=isshhh), look (with a silent "k"), nyumnyumnyum for food, and occasionally he'll say "hello" instead of waving.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Oooh. Neato.

This is awesome.

It's Gone!!

Hallelujah. It took a bit of hard work but the Implanon is out. FOREVER. I will be starting to use FAM combined with a diaphragm during my fertile times. That's the idea, anyway.

My slight latex allergy may be a problem...however, I have avoided latex to the best of my ability and had some allergen desensitization done with it, so hopefully not. If it becomes an issue, well, then we'll use latex-free condoms. I will be posting my charts at the end of each cycle, just in case anyone wants to see them.

ETA: The potential latex issue is actually a non issue- the diaphragm is silicone! Sweet!

Wine and Dine

Apparently there's some evidence that "wine and dine" actually works for males who want to get some loving. Well, for chimps, anyway. Amusing article.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Bye, Bye Implanon

It will be gone by 4:00 tomorrow. After 12 more days of spotting, etc, even with the about 6 week break, I can't say I'm sorry to see it go.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Shadow on My Day

This morning started out well. The sun is out and shining, and it's supposed to be warm, unlike the past few days. I got to work and checked my email. There was a discussion going on about Socialism in the email group I belong to, which somehow derailed into a discussion of the legal importance of marriage. Someone I thought I knew said something that shook and saddened me deeply- she basically implied that without a legal contract between a couple, the children would not realize their full potential. Therefore, anyone living with a partner that considered themselves to be married in every spiritual sense of the word, without involving the government, would not be able to bring up children "properly." Her exact words were:
It is obviously more productive to not get married and just become a bastard factory. I don't think the argument that it is OK to have children without a legal relationship between parents is good for the child. Despite the fact that it is no longer taboo I think it leaves a nothing in the child's life.

This statement could be construed to include single parents as well.

As the product of a dissolved marriage and an imperfect but persistent one, I take great exception to this statement. I have many friends that were raised by single parents, and I know people raising children without being married to their partners. The important thing, in my mind, is that a child is brought up in a loving home, with boundaries, but with a parent or parents who love them. Not everyone has a mother or father, but that doesn't stop them from becoming great. Look at our president, for example. His mother raised him alone, and I think that he and many of us raised similarly are stronger for it.

That people pass judgment on others without having truly thought about the situation(s) involved is very sad. I cannot seem to shake this heavy feeling off.

I just wonder at the lack of open-mindedness in this world today.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Fitness Diaries

The dogs, J, and I went on a 30+ minute walk this morning! Yay! I am getting more accustomed to the jogging stroller with both dogs, which is great, so hopefully soonish I will have an easier time running with my 3 little companions.

ETA: This evening I did the upwards half of the abs pyramid, but then my poor abs would do no more! I did do 10 girly push ups as well. I sound like such a wimp, but I will improve.

The 3 Rs

Recycle

We don't have recycling at our house, unfortunately, because the HOA has decided not to pay for that along with our regular garbage pickup. I need to find a recycling center near us, because the amount of waste we produce as a family is pretty grotesque at times.

Reduce and Reuse

As far as reducing the amount of waste we produce, we are trying to cut back on our use of plastic grocery/carrier bags. I need to just keep reusable ones in the car, and maybe buy some of the really cute ones from BabiesRUs for non-grocery shopping. We buy things in bulk when we can, to reduce packaging, but sometimes that doesn't work (for example, things that need to be frozen get packed into the size we will use in one recipe, so we end up using baggies for that). I am going to follow Amy's lead and start reusing jars when I can. I already spent part of yesterday, while waiting for dinner to cook, transferring spices from the baggies that we bought them in to jars that we had saved from old spices. The spice cabinet is so much more organized now! We buy animal crackers at Costco, and they come in these huge tubs. C suggested we reuse them to hold some of J's toys, and for some reason I said no, and now I regret that because I've come up with a lot of useful ways to reuse them. Oh well, the next time we use one up we'll reuse the container.
Another really good way to reduce waste when you have a baby is to buy wipes in bulk packs, rather than individual tubs. That way you only need one tub, and you just keep refilling it rather than throwing a tub away every time you use up the 80 wipes. Alternately, you can use cloth wipes, which many people who cloth diaper do. Baby washcloths also work well for this purpose, and you just spray a little water mixed with lavendar oil (or this) and wipe away! Of course, cloth diapers are also a great option for reducing waste. There is a ton of information for cloth diapering at DiaperPin and DiaperHyena. Yes, you use more water with cloth diapers, but it really amounts to about 3 extra loads a week, and that water goes through waste-water purification in most places and gets reused. Gray water generally gets reused, one way or another. This is the water from your sinks, showers, and laundry. Sewer water, from toilets, does not get reused.

If you have any other tips for ways to reduce and reuse, please share!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Fitness Diaries

I actually only weigh 131 pounds, which puts me at a BMI of 24. So, only 11ish pounds to lose!

Now, if only I could get rid of these damn headaches, working out would be a lot more appealing.

Immaturity

Can we please act our age now? Thanks.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Men Aren't Stupid

I am so sick of seeing commercial after commercial with men being portrayed as big, clumsy, stupid oafs. Oh, it's Daddy's night to cook? He burned dinner. Mom to the rescue, ordering pizza. Um...yeah. I get that many men don't cook, but many men do cook (C included).

Why does the media perpetuate the image of the stupid husband? Is it some sick nod to the man-hating feminists? I know men don't enjoy being portrayed this way. Nobody wants to be portrayed as the village idiot.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone screws up, but there's no reason to show our children that daddies are stupid and mommies are the superheroes that come in and fix all of the messes that the daddies make. Sometimes I just want to scream that men are competent, too! Too many times I have seen a TV wife or mother patronizing her husband, making him seem the fool because he got a little overzealous on a home improvement project, or because he let the kids *gasp* play in the mud and now Mom must step in and clean them up.

My husband, and many, many others, are good men. They aren't any more perfect than their counterparts, nor any less. C cleans up the kitchen, he takes care of our son, he supports his wife in her endeavors. He isn't afraid to change a poopy diaper. No, he doesn't do things exactly the way I do, but does that mean that I am going to *tsk* to myself, call my mom/best friend/neighbor and bitch about the fact that he didn't mop the floor or something? No. That would be really stupid, and it would be just as bad as if C did that when I left my shoes out or something.

I am not asking for women to act the idiots, or anything like that. I am not asking any more than equal treatment of the sexes.

Of course, there are men that totally deserve the idiot tag- but they are absolutely the minority. There are plenty of women out there deserving of the idiot tag, too, but god forbid you portray a normal, everyday woman like that in a commercial.

Would that be so hard?

Belief-O-Matic

Just for fun, I took this little quiz, the Belief-O-Matic, to tell me what my religion is. I'm never exactly sure how to describe it myself, but I'm not sure this really helped much. I'm not terribly surprised at any of the "matches" other than the Quakers, but then, I also don't know a whole lot about many of these religions. Amusing though! Here I thought my pseudo-Unitarian upbringing had gone by the wayside...

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (94%)
3. Liberal Quakers (89%)
4. Mahayana Buddhism (85%)
5. New Age (85%)
6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
7. Reform Judaism (79%)
8. New Thought (70%)
9. Sikhism (69%)
10. Theravada Buddhism (68%)

How do you stack up to what you expected?