January 10, 2012 - What a Difference a Year Makes!

One year ago, I posted this picture. I was 24 weeks pregnant, in pain, and apparently had dreamed recently that C was a Jesus T-Rex. I noted in that post that I had gained 8 pounds so far in my pregnancy.

I just want to brag that as of today, I am 4 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. Woot! 1 pound away from my shoes reward! 

Another Twin Dream

I had a dream last night that Hush Puppy was twin girls. C claims I had dreams that J was twins, but I think he's making things up because I have a pretty damn good memory and I NEVER had dreams that I was carrying/having twins until now.

I guess we'll find out soon enough how many proto-fetuses HP really is.

In the meantime, I'm not feeling so hot this morning. C and J both have colds (runny nose, sore throat, cough) and I'm feeling pukey. Lovely combination. I can hardly wait to get home this evening to experience more of that fun. I did try taking vitamin B6 this morning, but I am feeling worse now than I usually do in the morning so I'm not sure it's working. Hmm.

Crazy Pregnant Dreams

I had a dream last night that HP wasn't just one baby. Nope, he or she was quintuplets. That looked like panda bears on ultrasound. Hmm. It seemed that the quints were identical triplets and identical twins. Crazy, right? So then I proceeded to give birth, like, now. At home, but in a weird place that wasn't actually my home at all, and C just watched, and there was no pain at all. But there were only 2 babies, and the first one was bigger than the second, and they were full term and healthy. I only know it was "now" because I had a conversation about canceling my first appointment because I'd already had the babies. Nevermind that somehow I'd clearly had an appointment in order to have an ultrasound. Anyway, the gist of the dream was that there were twins, and I never definitely found out the gender. The first baby breastfed like a champ though. I *think* that the first child, the bigger one, was a boy, and actually was J because that's sort of how the dream morphed after the babies were born. The second baby, later in the dream, was a little girl that was my daughter. She was wearing a pink, white and yellow flowered dress with two teeny little pigtails on the sides of her head. She was maybe a year old at this point. Blond, like J, that golden shade that's not exactly pure blond but not quite strawberry blond either.

So that's that. I'm either having panda quints, or twins, and they may or may not be a boy and a girl.

Dream Babies

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. With triplets. Two boys and a girl, I believe. Most of the dream I was in labor. Good times, that. It was a really strange future-dream too, where the world was very different and dark and weird. Of course, the dream faded very quickly after I woke up.

Nightmares

It seems that the mid-cycle nightmares are back.

Night before last it was pink and purple mice spreading some sort of flu-related plague where basically people became zombie-like with horrible lesions all over their skin, and the "cure" was fire. The mice were really sweet and nice, so everyone wanted to pet them, which is what made the disease spread. So lots of burning of my friends. Then we (humanity?) figured out an actual prophylactic measure that was basically bathing in an acidic solution of some sort. Lovely. But at least it kept us from dying off in horribly painful ways.

Last night I dreamed I was 30 weeks pregnant with my second son and I went into early labor and delivered him at my parents' house. He died. I spent the whole dream crying and screaming and raging because I hadn't gotten to hold him and nobody kept any pictures of him. My mom had taken some (of other people like C and some random woman holding his little body) but deleted them because "she knew he was going to be dead so she needed to delete them."They buried him without ever letting me meet my dead son.

There's some fucked up stuff going on in my head at night. Fun, eh?

Vampire Fantasies...

I just watched Twilight. I put it off as long as I could, and I can't believe I lived this long without seeing it. (Yeah I read the books a while ago. So badly written, yet so damn addictive.)

Screw Edward biting me, I want to bite him. Except that would probably break my teeth. I could totally go for some rough vampire loving.

Wow. I need C to get back, AF to leave, and I need to get laid. Seriously.

Really though, the men in that movie were so...tasty looking. Mmm. I don't know who was better, Edward or Carlisle. Hell, if I'm fantasizing, can I have both?

Oddly, Jacob looks like a Native American version of my ex boyfriend. Huh. Still totally hot though. Also oddly, a while back I had a dream that I was with Edward and we were "flying" through the trees. Exactly the same trees as in the movie, from the same angles. That scene gave me chills. Weird.

The Fertile Time Nightmares Return

Two nights ago I had weird, unsettling dreams, that I can't remember now. Last night I had a dream that a rabid fox bit J's finger, and basically bit off the end of his finger, and it also bit me, and we had to go get rabies shots at the doctor. Before that though I released MacGuyver (the hound) and Athena to kill the fox. They caught it but didn't kill it so I had to break its neck, that's how I got bitten. When we finally found the doctor they didn't give me a shot, but they gave J one in the butt, and he cried.

Nightmares and Updates

Warning: this post covers subjects which some readers may find very disturbing.

I have been having vivid nightmares nearly every night lately. I also notice that my heart palpitations have returned, which is a sign that my meds may need to be increased (correlation with increased anxiety and panic attacks). Perhaps the nightmares tie into this.

There was the nightmare I mentioned in a previous recent post, and then two nights ago there was another one. That one was far more gory and graphic than anything from the first nightmare. Essentially someone was cutting babies and me, and this involved my left ear being cut mostly off. I remember the horrible sound that it made, though in the dream there was not the expected amount of pain, just lots of blood filling my ear. This was set in a rather dystopian world (think Blade Runner). Last night's dream was just unsettling, featuring a little girl who'd been kidnapped and was being abused and we set out to rescue her.

I find myself having to forcibly redirect my line of thought at times, especially when it gets into the OCD visions that are making an unwelcome comeback into my life. They aren't as bad as they could be or even as bad as they have been at times in the past, but they primarily center around J which scares the piss out of me. Just a note: they never involve me doing anything to hurt my child. A couple days ago I had a flash of his fingers if he dropped something heavy on them, having to go to the emergency room to have them reattached, and it made me sick to my stomach to think of it. I have similar image flashes about my dogs, where if Athena gets out I will have horrible thoughts of her having been shot or attacked by another dog (bear in mind we live in the suburbs, so a shooting is not very likely) or even hit by a car. MacGuyver I generally only visualize that he's stopped breathing or something has happened to him that I should have prevented, a far cry from the things I used to see about him when we lived in WA. On the upside, once the initial vision is past, it is not terribly easy for me to recall the details anymore, which is great. I used to have them and then be able to recall them in all their horrible details for months (or in some cases, years) afterward.

Of course, this may also just be that C and I are stressed about money (haha, like we are ever not stressed about it). I am trying very hard to keep myself "normal" but I've been exhausted lately, and the nightmares don't let me sleep well. This morning I woke up feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time. I am going to try to exercise more, as my fitness endeavor has absolutely fallen by the wayside. I have lost about 1-2 pounds, but that's really not significant. I guess I just feel better about my body and don't really feel the urge to lose a lot of weight right now. I am a bit overwhelmed with everything, I think. Yet, here I am at work, not doing anything productive (lack of motivation is another depression flag) and blogging instead. That said, I have done everything I was "supposed" to today, but I can't just leave since I got here late because C worked this morning.

*Sigh* I just want to go home and spend time with my family. I want to clean the house and do laundry. I don't want to be sitting here on my ass doing nothing but having to stay even though I've finished my work for the day.

Hard Day

Today is hard.

I opened my bedroom door to the smell of dog shit, meaning that Athena had another accident in her kennel. They truly are accidents, because it is always diarrhea when she goes in her kennel. Also, the hound threw up in and out of his kennel. I didn't know dogs could projectile vomit, but evidently it was still yummy because Athena ate it as soon as I let her out. Ugh. I don't know what they ate, but dammit that is not the way to start a day.

C worked this morning, so I stayed home with J til he got done, then I went in to work.

My headspace is just not great today. I really, desperately want to be at home with my son. I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to be a homemaker. I want to take my son and my dogs on a long walk today, and hang out in the park. I do not want to be here, analyzing the contents of someone's bodily secretions. I hate having to leave every morning and miss the day with my child. I resent that my husband gets to stay home. I understand that he is a work at home dad, but I wish he could get a full-time or almost full-time job and that I could be the one who stays home. Would it really be that hard for him to teach? I guess he'd have to have his BA at the very least to do that, but still. It isn't fair.

I know, life isn't fair, blah blah blah. It also isn't fair that we don't have enough money, or that I have to go to work to a job that I am overqualified for and that hardly taps into my skills and knowledge base. It's not fair that I can't stay home. It's not fair that I feel this way. It's not fair that my house is an absolute mess and that by the time I get home in the evening I am so drained that I don't have the energy or the inclination to clean. It's not fair that SIL D keeps losing babies. It's not fair that my mom works so much and is so busy she hardly has time to breathe. It just isn't fair.

I woke up this morning from a very disturbing, unpleasant dream. It was not quite to the level of nightmare but it wasn't exactly puppies and rainbows either. Someone wanted my child, or someone's child, and was killing people horribly to get that child. I killed a man by holding a hacksaw blade against his throat until it crushed his windpipe and cut through his skin, and I could see inside his throat. There were cavemen and mammoths on the periphery. Everything was shades of brown and red and death. There was a vicious wind and I was supposed to be protecting my nephew and my son and I only protected my son at first, but then I herded both boys up a muddy slope to shelter.

I hate this.