Hard Day

Today is hard.

I opened my bedroom door to the smell of dog shit, meaning that Athena had another accident in her kennel. They truly are accidents, because it is always diarrhea when she goes in her kennel. Also, the hound threw up in and out of his kennel. I didn't know dogs could projectile vomit, but evidently it was still yummy because Athena ate it as soon as I let her out. Ugh. I don't know what they ate, but dammit that is not the way to start a day.

C worked this morning, so I stayed home with J til he got done, then I went in to work.

My headspace is just not great today. I really, desperately want to be at home with my son. I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to be a homemaker. I want to take my son and my dogs on a long walk today, and hang out in the park. I do not want to be here, analyzing the contents of someone's bodily secretions. I hate having to leave every morning and miss the day with my child. I resent that my husband gets to stay home. I understand that he is a work at home dad, but I wish he could get a full-time or almost full-time job and that I could be the one who stays home. Would it really be that hard for him to teach? I guess he'd have to have his BA at the very least to do that, but still. It isn't fair.

I know, life isn't fair, blah blah blah. It also isn't fair that we don't have enough money, or that I have to go to work to a job that I am overqualified for and that hardly taps into my skills and knowledge base. It's not fair that I can't stay home. It's not fair that I feel this way. It's not fair that my house is an absolute mess and that by the time I get home in the evening I am so drained that I don't have the energy or the inclination to clean. It's not fair that SIL D keeps losing babies. It's not fair that my mom works so much and is so busy she hardly has time to breathe. It just isn't fair.

I woke up this morning from a very disturbing, unpleasant dream. It was not quite to the level of nightmare but it wasn't exactly puppies and rainbows either. Someone wanted my child, or someone's child, and was killing people horribly to get that child. I killed a man by holding a hacksaw blade against his throat until it crushed his windpipe and cut through his skin, and I could see inside his throat. There were cavemen and mammoths on the periphery. Everything was shades of brown and red and death. There was a vicious wind and I was supposed to be protecting my nephew and my son and I only protected my son at first, but then I herded both boys up a muddy slope to shelter.

I hate this.