Nightmares and Updates

Warning: this post covers subjects which some readers may find very disturbing.

I have been having vivid nightmares nearly every night lately. I also notice that my heart palpitations have returned, which is a sign that my meds may need to be increased (correlation with increased anxiety and panic attacks). Perhaps the nightmares tie into this.

There was the nightmare I mentioned in a previous recent post, and then two nights ago there was another one. That one was far more gory and graphic than anything from the first nightmare. Essentially someone was cutting babies and me, and this involved my left ear being cut mostly off. I remember the horrible sound that it made, though in the dream there was not the expected amount of pain, just lots of blood filling my ear. This was set in a rather dystopian world (think Blade Runner). Last night's dream was just unsettling, featuring a little girl who'd been kidnapped and was being abused and we set out to rescue her.

I find myself having to forcibly redirect my line of thought at times, especially when it gets into the OCD visions that are making an unwelcome comeback into my life. They aren't as bad as they could be or even as bad as they have been at times in the past, but they primarily center around J which scares the piss out of me. Just a note: they never involve me doing anything to hurt my child. A couple days ago I had a flash of his fingers if he dropped something heavy on them, having to go to the emergency room to have them reattached, and it made me sick to my stomach to think of it. I have similar image flashes about my dogs, where if Athena gets out I will have horrible thoughts of her having been shot or attacked by another dog (bear in mind we live in the suburbs, so a shooting is not very likely) or even hit by a car. MacGuyver I generally only visualize that he's stopped breathing or something has happened to him that I should have prevented, a far cry from the things I used to see about him when we lived in WA. On the upside, once the initial vision is past, it is not terribly easy for me to recall the details anymore, which is great. I used to have them and then be able to recall them in all their horrible details for months (or in some cases, years) afterward.

Of course, this may also just be that C and I are stressed about money (haha, like we are ever not stressed about it). I am trying very hard to keep myself "normal" but I've been exhausted lately, and the nightmares don't let me sleep well. This morning I woke up feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time. I am going to try to exercise more, as my fitness endeavor has absolutely fallen by the wayside. I have lost about 1-2 pounds, but that's really not significant. I guess I just feel better about my body and don't really feel the urge to lose a lot of weight right now. I am a bit overwhelmed with everything, I think. Yet, here I am at work, not doing anything productive (lack of motivation is another depression flag) and blogging instead. That said, I have done everything I was "supposed" to today, but I can't just leave since I got here late because C worked this morning.

*Sigh* I just want to go home and spend time with my family. I want to clean the house and do laundry. I don't want to be sitting here on my ass doing nothing but having to stay even though I've finished my work for the day.