Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Some Random Babble

I'm having a little trouble getting into the swing of things this morning, so let me just brain vomit on you for a while. Anyone who needs a towel is welcome to grab one. ;-)

My baby is 5 now. 5. FIVE. I get that he isn't a baby anymore, but 5 is no longer a toddler, no longer even a preschooler. He's 5 and will be starting Kindergarten in the fall (and soccer, too, if he still wants to). He's smart and sweet and so polite (it kills me a little when he says "Yes, ma'am" to me). Don't get me wrong, he's certainly got his mean moments and the occasional attitude, but over all, J is just about the sweetest little boy I've ever met. He sings songs to his sister (mostly "Rock a bye baby" which I think is probably a sweet way to threaten to put your baby in a tree if they don't stop crying). He makes crafts and things all the time. The other day he just made a dinosaur sculpture out of cardboard, told me it was a new duckbill that lives underground (so didn't go extinct), and named it "Dinoduckduck Di" for it's species name. He writes songs about superheroes and P-funk. I love him so much I can't breathe when I think about it.

As J and Dee both get older, the urge desire need ache for another baby (specifically a boy) is getting stronger. I know I hate being pregnant. I am sick the first half of the pregnancy, then everything hurts and I can't sleep and my sciatica gets so bad I can hardly walk. The heartburn is horrible. There's the utter exhaustion. But then...there's the magic of seeing that little pink line. Of knowing (in between pukes) that there's a person you are building, cell by cell, inside you. Speculations of whether that person is a he or a she. The little wiggles. Having the baby all to yourself. And the delivery...if I could have another delivery like Dee's, I would do it in a heartbeat. C is not on board with this.

I'm a little torn. I have *always* wanted 4 kids. I have 3 younger siblings, and 4 older ones (WAY older, like 15-20 years older, so we're not very close). When we were first talking about family, we had decided that we'd have 2 biological kids (presumably boys, given how C's family goes) and adopt 2 kids (girls). Once we entered the real adult world and realized that adoption is super expensive ($17-$30k, from the estimates I've seen) we have sort of pared down to adopt only one, just for financial reasons. I just can't deal with the heartbreak of the foster-to-adopt system, and I really want a baby so I can breastfeed it. But this yearning inside for 1 more biological kid is really tough. I would love to have a biological kid in a few years, and then adopt one so they have age-mates (within a couple years) like J and Dee, who are 3 years apart.


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