Friday, August 31, 2012

August 31, 2012 and Its Associated Muddle

Everything is speeding past me. I feel like I'm caught in some kind of vortex. I'm caught up at work, but somehow I feel like I'm grasping at rapidly flying objects and unable to get ahead in life. That isn't how it is in reality, it's just how I feel.

My children are fine. I'm healthy, C is healthy. I just can't get my heart out of the downward spiral.

Someone (jokingly) yesterday said something about being able to leave your kids on the balcony of a nearby apartment so you could watch them while you were at the bar (we were at happy hour), and then another friend pointed out that you could see when they climbed over the rail and fell so you'd know you were about to be arrested for child neglect. As soon as the words "climbed over the rail" were out of her mouth I could picture L falling, falling....and my spine crawled and my heart raced and I had to redirect my thoughts immediately or ohmygodiwasgoingtocry.

I feel like I haven't been taking my meds, but I HAVE. I take that damn Zoloft every morning. I haven't missed a dose in at least 2 weeks, and that was only 1 day and wouldn't still be affecting me. I can still redirect myself but I still feel quiet and melancholy and grief-stricken inside. I have dreams about my dear friend in which I try to figure out which tattoo to get to remember her (interestingly, these dreams also prominently feature my younger sister who was extremely close with Kristen). Maybe I'm just still grieving. I know it's only been a few weeks, it's entirely possible.

I also am still bleeding/spotting from the Mirena I had inserted at the end of July. That was exactly one month ago today, actually. I've had 2 days where I wasn't either spotting or bleeding. *Whee.* From what I understand things should be getting better soon, and then hopefully no more periods at all (or at least, very light ones). We shall see.

I don't even particularly feel better having gotten all this out. I think I just need the upcoming 3 day weekend to get here so I can rest and relax and do some crafts. I've been feeling twitchy and compulsive lately, which is also not necessarily a good thing. It's not this bad yet, but it's still not a picnic.

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