Finding the Light in the Darkness

Sometimes, the heartbreak of the world around me weighs down so heavily I feel tears waiting in the wings all day, and don't have the will to stop them.

This is one of those times.

The shooting in Orlando, killing and wounding so many. Out of fear. Out of hate.

Uproar over who uses which bathroom. Who really gives a fuck. As long as the person using the bathroom is neat about it and doesn't pee on the seat, flushes the toilet, and washes their hands, I really could not care less. 

The shooting in the airport in Istanbul. Again, out of fear. Out of hate.

The bombing in Baghdad. Killing hundreds. Again, out of hate. Who knows if it is hate driven by fear or by something else. Fear and hate are so closely linked, it's hard to say sometimes which came first. Most often we fear something and that fear becomes hate, and it can be taught.

Killings here, in the US, on a small scale. Men shot for being black by cops who... were afraid? Were filled with terror for everything else happening in the world? Were under too much stress? Who reverted to being scared little boys and fired..why?

Cops shot by snipers for being cops. For trying to serve and protect.

Can we just stop, humanity? Can we just take a step back and reach out to the man/woman next to us and acknowledge the human in them, while they acknowledge the same in us? Can we put aside our petty or not so petty differences and agree to disagree while we address more important things?

I don't know. I want to think humanity is inherently good, but I don't know anymore. I want my children to grow up in a world that has figured it's shit out. I want the adults to stop acting like spoiled and petulant children, and I want them to start acting like normal children. The kind that understand that kindness is paramount.

I'll be here. Under my blanket. Waiting for the heaviness to subside, hoping not to spend all day falling apart inside as I hear the collective heard of humanity crumbling. I'm going to look at rainbows and puppies and kitties and babies. I suggest you do the same. Find a little sunshine through the clouds and spread what light you can in the darkness. Pick out the constellations amidst the human chaos. Knit back what has been rent and torn.

I recognize the humanity in you.

Final Thankfuls, et cetera

Sometimes, life punches you in the guts. You're grateful for what you have (and lets just accept that yes, I am very thankful for the life I have, even if I didn't finish my daily thankfulness posts) but sometimes shit happens that makes you withdraw and appreciate that things could be worse. And while you acknowledge that they could be worse, that doesn't mean they don't really suck right now.

I will not be saying more about this. Suffice it to say that everyone is (mostly) okay, and even if and when we aren't, that is okay too. We're healing and on the right track. Things suck, but they will get better.

And on that note, when 2015 ends I hope the door hits it in the ass on the way out.

Thankful, day 17

I am thankful that we live in a stable place.

I see all this insanity about why our country (founded on the ideals of immigrants, escaping religious persecution, such as it is and was) should lock its doors against refugees from Syria. It breaks my heart. Why must people pretend that their fear is in the name of their god? Immigrants, refugees, are not terrorists, any more than the Protestants down the block are KKK members. Why do all the relief organizations seem to focus on faith and "godliness" when they could just focus on humanity? Why do we need to look to a god for the push to help? Why can't we just look in the mirror or at the pictures in the news and say "Dammit, I'm a person, you're a person, what can I do to help you, fellow human being?" rather than "NO! Why would you think about letting an ISIS member sleep on your couch?" (That is an actual comment I saw on a friend's Facebook status.)

This fearmongering has got to stop. I am happy and proud to live in a state that said "YES! COME HERE!" but at the same time, I am heartbroken that our state actually had to stand up and say something. I understand that the homeless and broken of our own nation need help too. But, though I hate to look at it this way, things aren't changing for them much. The refugees? They have left their homes and their countrymen and their neighbors. They have lost family members and friends. They are running scared in the hopes of finding safety. Every day for them is a new reality where they may not even speak the language and they rely 100% on the kindness of strangers to help them survive.

I guess what I am saying is that anyone crying out against letting refugees seek asylum here in the safety of our nation is GO LOOK IN A MIRROR. If there is a human being staring back at you, then help your fellow humans. They are not terrorists. They have already faced the fear of the unknown to escape the terror they know. Open your hearts, and if you can, open your homes. If you can't donate money, send positive prayers and love their way. Love your fellow humans. And FFS, Thanksgiving is next week. I cannot think of a more appropriate time of year to remember and celebrate the bond that joins ALL HUMANS in need than a time to give thanks for what we have and how we survived what we left behind.

Control

The day after election day. Always a turbulent one, is it not? Either the things you voted for passed or they didn't. In my case, they didn't. Badly. My state voted against something that would have helped schools across the state have funding. Teachers would have been able to have raises and job security, and the schools could have hired more teachers. They could have had more money to spend per student. Apparently, though, if it involves a tax increase (which would have been a measly $75 for my family, per year, though it would have created a tiered tax structure) for anyone, people will vote no. I tend to put my kids first, and I'm tempted to just give the school the $75 my taxes would have increased. I know nothing is perfect but come on. At least I voted.

My parents have a dog (had?), a chocolate lab. Shen. He's nearly 15, and we got him as a tiny brown furball just after I turned 16. We went and said goodbye to him this weekend. Well, me, C, Dee, and a close friend  (who until recently dated my brother and loved the dog like her own) did. J stayed in the car because he didn't want to go inside. Shen hadn't been eating. His back legs don't work. He lay there, shaking, and his tail didn't even try to wag and I sat there furious that they were letting him suffer like that. I was powerless to help. I am not strong enough to perform cervical dislocation on a (once) 120 pound lab. I had no options. I wanted desperately to end his suffering but I could do nothing. Just like when my grandma died. She, at least, had the refuge of morphine. Saying goodbye was the same. Shen was gone, only his husk remains. When I said goodbye to my grandma she was no longer present in her body. I said goodbye to their empty, ancient meat. That was all. This, two days after some of our best friends had to put their own dog down after his 18 years with them. I hope they've put him down by now, or that he's died on his own, but I've heard nothing.

Dee may be night weaned but she sure as shit isn't sleeping through the night. I have been up with her for at least an hour (continuous or not) 5 out of the last 6 nights. She sometimes sleeps all night, but it's rare. I just want a full fucking night of sleep. Like 10-6. With no interruptions, and I want to sleep IN. I haven't slept in since Dee was a baby, C was hunting, and we all slept until 11 one morning. That was over 2 years ago.

It seems that the universe is telling me I have no control over things. Reminding me. Taking away my sturdy ground and making me feel powerless and angry. Frustrated and helpless to the edge of tears. I control what I can. I let the OCD slip in here and there aroundtheedgeswheremaybeit'snottakingoveryet. I load the dishwasher. I put the spoons/forks/knives in their slots where they go so they're sorted. I desperately try to keep tiny little places sorted and clean. Plates aligned just so in our crappy tiny 20-year-old dishwasher. I can't focus. I fight the irrational fury from escaping and causing my kids' sweet faces to crumple. All J wants to do is read a book with me. It's a long and sometimes aggravating process because he's just learning but he insists on reading Level 2 readers because those are the Spider-Man books we have and because "See Mama, I can do these, I just need a little help and ugh I can't remember this word...". Dee...she's two. She's mercurial and sassy and smart and there are times when I cannot stand to be near her because she makes me want to scream for no reason at all. When I snap at them I break inside, watching the light in their eyes and their lips start trembling. I'm a terrible mother sometimes. Then J says things like "Mama, you're not lazy. You do all kinds of wonderful things for us like make us costumes." And I want to retreat into a cave and cry because I don't deserve them.

I know I'm being stupid and irrational. I have taken my meds. I know. I have been playing far too much Spore because it's somewhere I have 100% control over the things that happen to my people. 

What has happened to childhood?

I'm the first to admit that when I was a kid, I was a girly-girl. I lived in dresses, always had to be the girl/mommy when we played house, and I absolutely LOVED my Barbies and My Little Ponies. You know, like these ones (also, I love http://www.kimsites.net/dreamvalley/, without that site I never would have been able to figure out all the names of my old ponies that my kids now have).

Even though I was such a girly girl, I still got to let out my tough side. I was a caveman (yep, caveman) for Halloween once. My sister was my pet monster. We were fierce and awesome and had our own radio show. I was Rose, and she was Frank (I have no idea why she chose Frank). We used to interview characters from Sesame Street, Tiger Sharks, and, occasionally, our little brother.

 

We were normal kids. We did insane things like wear 3 pairs of socks so we could "scrunch" them. We wore tee shirts that were way too big so we could tie them on one side without making them too small. We wore leggings. And I used to have a dress that was white with day-glo puffy paint fish on it. I loved that dress. 

I remember my first bikini. I was 13 (I think) and I wore it so happily. I sunbathed in it, and on our trip to Florida I wore it on the beach. It was basically a sports bra and it was covered in giant roses. My favorite one (at about age 16?) was a (still conservative) halter top that was bright blue and green. My brother once (accidentally) let a lizard jump down it while I was sunbathing. I did have one that was dark blue, and actually more string-like, which I had when I was 14, but I only wore it to the beach for that one trip because I wasn't comfortable with how much it didn't cover my boobs. Have I mentioned that I was a D cup before I had kids?

I think I got my first pair of grown-up shoes (heels) at about age 12 or 13, and I loved them. I loved the sound they made when I walked. I loved that I was suddenly a little taller than 5'2".

Now I have a daughter. She's getting to have opinions on things. She, at not-quite-2 1/2, absolutely LOVES My Little Pony. She has my old ones (all 4 that I still had; Butterscotch, Sundance, Bangles, Yo-Yo) as well as one inherited from her cousins (who also inherited it, somehow) named Wisteria. She has a whole bunch of non-MLP ponies that she loves, and she has one new MLP. Rainbow Dash, the one with sparkles in her hair. Because the other one comes with a purse, and not a trophy. WHY?! Rainbow Dash is not all about accessories!

 

Anyway. Dee's opinions also extend to clothing. Her favorite outfits are dresses, especially with either her light up shoes or her pink cowboy boots. She will also wear jeans and stuff, but she prefers dresses and skirts. Or nightgowns (which we've explained she doesn't get to wear when we leave the house). She loves necklaces and bracelets, and getting all dressed up with her baby dolls so she can climb into her spaceship (highchair) and go shopping for hats in space. She nurses her babies. If she sees her T-Rex costume from last year (still fits) she will BEG to wear it, because she wants to be a fierce dinosaur. Her favorite bath towel is a triceratops hooded towel (which is truly awesome). She and her brother play Lego (or Duplos) together. Sometimes she declares that she's a princess and cooks us food, but it's usually only a ruse so she can eat our faces. 

This ferocious, brave, sweet, sassy child is growing into a world where someone sells these boots for toddlers. I would wear them, but I would never let my young child wear them.

 

http://www.zulily.com/p/gray-auto-bootie-42835-4791009.html?pos=44&e=1

Girls are told (maybe not out loud but sure as hell by the toy section) that they are only good for being cute and sexy and sweet. You have to work to find a toy that isn't super-gendered if your daughter wants a Lego set. Duplos are pretty good, but what about when your daughter is older? Does she have to play with Lego Friends, where the figurines look like bizarre alien versions of regular Lego figurines, and they sit in hot tubs or on yachts? Why can't Wonder Woman or Batgirl or Storm or Hermione be part of the "girl" toy section? Or available with their OWN sets? Why can they only be found with the huge sets, while you can find Superman with his own smaller Lego set? And forget about race cars (like Hotwheels) that could be marketed to girls...

Why do Monster High and Bratz and Equestria Girls have to be what our daughters look at? I know I never wanted to look like Barbie, but my Barbie had clothes that actually covered her body rather than barely-thigh length skirts and knee-high stockings.

Why do these dolls have to be so skeletally thin? I know that most girls don't say "Oh, I want to be thin like my dolls" but they don't even look healthy... And WTF is up with their short little arms?! All I know is that I will NOT be buying Dee any of these dolls. If she gets one for a gift it will be going back to the store.

My daughter will not fall prey to the idea that she's only a pretty face, or only gets to do science that creates makeup just because she's a girl. She will be climbing rocks and mountains and exploring space and digging up dinosaurs and being her own person.  I will not buy her the clothing or shoes that scream "grow up and have sex already!" or "Look at me, I like to shop and manipulate my daddy. Tee hee". I will remind her how amazing she is, and how strong and beautiful and wonderful her body is and I will do my best to make sure she knows that she is worth more than the marketing world wants her to think. She's better than that.

That's it for now... I have a rant brewing about boy stereotypes too. In the meantime, if you think you'd like to know more about what we *as parents* can do to help combat this insanity for our children's sake, please visit http://blog.pigtailpals.com/ and http://www.amightygirl.com/. And make sure your child knows how very, very amazing he or she is, no matter what they toy aisle tries to tell them.

ETA: A Mighty Girl also has a parenting books section, including books on how to deal with the sexualization of childhood.

A Rant on the American Diet vs Real Food and Why This Bugs Me

Whenever I go on Pinterest (which is very awesome if you have a particular project/goal in mind, and otherwise will just suck you into a vortex), I see lots of things about fitness and losing weight and losing fat and so on. (On a side note, LOVE YOUR BODY AS IT IS. It will make you a much happier person in the long run. Not to say you shouldn't try to be healthy, but love your body just the same.) On those same pages, I see recipes full of shit. Cupcakes with Twinkies on top. Things full of sugar and processed ingredients. Do people not see the connection?!

I recently read a book called Fat Chance by Dr. Robert Lustig. The book was amazing for many reasons, but it primarily dealt with why (globally) people are getting fat, and why the abdominal fat we have is so very bad. You can read my review here on Goodreads, but it isn't very long. Essentially, everyone is binging on fructose so they don't raise their blood sugar. Sounds good, right? NO. Because fructose (straight fructose like in fruit juice, HFCS and agave nectar, not when you get it from fruit directly) is metabolized by your liver as fat. Visceral fat. The fat that clings to your organs and sucks away your life. Exercise helps, but diet does too. And trying to get rid of cutaneous fat may be a laudable goal, but if you don't do a damn thing about your diet you aren't making yourself any healthier. So yes, you can be overweight/obese, have low visceral fat, and be healthier than someone with low cutaneous fat who eats crap all day and has hidden visceral fat choking their insides.

We have been trying to eat more "real" food; more fruit and veggies, fewer processed foods (not that we do a whole lot of that anyway). It's going slowly but we are doing pretty well. It helps that it's summer and the farmer's market is open, but even in winter we have so many options for real food, real fruit and vegetables, raw ingredients to make bread and "real" food. Yes, we use butter. Yes, we use lard. Yes, we buy real cream and real sugar. Want to know what we don't buy (or buy it less than twice a year)?

Fruit snacks. Soda. Processed cheese (Velveeta/American). Margarine. Junk cereal (Trix, Cocoa Puffs, etc). White bread. Packaged cookies. Chips. Macaroni and cheese.

This, unfortunately (or not) means that many coupons I could clip and use go unclipped simply because we don't buy or eat the foods they are for. Fine with me, I don't need to spend the money simply to save a few cents on crap.

However... of course there's a however. Things we *do* buy that aren't particularly good for us:

Fruit juice (one container per week or less). Danimals Smoothies (ugh, gross, but the kids LOVE them and only get one per day). Cereal. Goldfish crackers. Frozen pizza (working on eliminating this entirely, but usually this is a once a month to every-other-week thing).

My kids LOVE their veggies. And fruit (just ask Dee about her "sawbees" (strawberries)). J has been known to steal broccoli from other people's plates. Corn on the cob is a huge hit. Obviously that's just a summer thing, but other veggies can be found year-round at your local grocery store. For most of the country, that's an accessible thing! I know there are places where grocery stores don't exist (another rant for another day) but in the vast majority of this country that isn't an issue. The biggest problem comes from when people on a budget (hello, most Americans) are trying to do the grocery shopping for as little as they can. Unfortunately, produce is often overlooked in favor of cheaper fare (especially organic produce). Instead of rice and beans (which is nutritious, filling, and about as cheap as it gets), people frequently go for the junk food that they have coupons for, and grocery stores often put specials on those items as well. Why buy milk at $3 a gallon when you can buy four 2-liter bottles of soda for less than $3 after the sale and coupons? Why buy fresh apples at $1.69 a pound when you can a gallon of apple juice (store brand, on sale) for $2 or less, or BOGO fruit snacks? Just try reading the labels - if you are buying the budget brand (at King Soopers/Kroger it's "Great Value" and is even cheaper than the Kroger brand) because you can't afford not to, you are unfortunately paying for extra fillers and fewer real nutrients.

We are very fortunate to finally be in a place (financially) where we can afford to shop at the farmers' market all summer for our produce. Even when we can't make it there, we go to Sprouts and spend at least half of our grocery budget on produce every week. It's a work in progress, and it's a struggle sometimes to make sure we eat all of our veggies (or fruit) each day, but I try to keep in mind that it's better for me and my family if we can live healthy lives by eating healthy foods. I do supplement a tiny bit of produce from my container garden, but that's miniscule compared to the amount of food a family of 4 needs. (Oh to have a yard and a real garden!)

I don't really have a solid plan for how to fix this broken system. I could really spend hours writing more and more about these issues, but for now I must stop. In the meantime, I will do what I can - educate my children, feed my children and my family the best that we can (and it's true, kids will eat veggies if you serve them and ask for their input on how to cook them!), and, someday, try to help the community I am in to create a more affordable, sustainable, and healthful way to eat and live.


Edited to Add:
I was perusing my Bloglovin list and came across this article from Science 2.0: Taxes On Sugary Beverages To Reduce Obesity Won't Work
It seemed to go with my rant here (sort of).

Hug Your Children

Even when they're difficult. Even when they yell. Even when they kick and hit and bite. They're still your children, and you still have them to hug. Tell them you love them EVERY DAY.

Not everyone is so lucky.