Grief, in Retrospect: It Pours On, or RIP Beagle Butt

This post has been a long time coming, mostly because it's been too raw to sit down and write.

On October 11, 2015, we said goodbye to MacGyver. He was struggling again, as bad as before. It sucked a lot but C and I decided that we couldn't make him suffer any longer. We had really, really hoped we'd have him for more time, but it turned out that we only gained 10 days. I spoiled the crap out of him those 10 days, lots of snuggles and treats and love, but I was not ready to say goodbye.



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Looking at this, now... 2 1/2 years later.. still sad. Still deeply, achingly sad. But there's life beyond sadness. The dandelions are blooming again this spring, and we sigh and remember how MacGyver used to eat them like it was his job. He would get so annoyed that there were still so many to eat, so he'd take breaks and then go graze some more. He was a little asshole, but he was our little asshole and we loved him. The girls have stuffies that are beagles, and they are all named MacGyver. Even Little Cat C, who I don't think remembers him. Sadness is nostalgic now, but just part of life.

Some Random Babble

I'm having a little trouble getting into the swing of things this morning, so let me just brain vomit on you for a while. Anyone who needs a towel is welcome to grab one. ;-)

My baby is 5 now. 5. FIVE. I get that he isn't a baby anymore, but 5 is no longer a toddler, no longer even a preschooler. He's 5 and will be starting Kindergarten in the fall (and soccer, too, if he still wants to). He's smart and sweet and so polite (it kills me a little when he says "Yes, ma'am" to me). Don't get me wrong, he's certainly got his mean moments and the occasional attitude, but over all, J is just about the sweetest little boy I've ever met. He sings songs to his sister (mostly "Rock a bye baby" which I think is probably a sweet way to threaten to put your baby in a tree if they don't stop crying). He makes crafts and things all the time. The other day he just made a dinosaur sculpture out of cardboard, told me it was a new duckbill that lives underground (so didn't go extinct), and named it "Dinoduckduck Di" for it's species name. He writes songs about superheroes and P-funk. I love him so much I can't breathe when I think about it.


As J and Dee both get older, the urge desire need ache for another baby (specifically a boy) is getting stronger. I know I hate being pregnant. I am sick the first half of the pregnancy, then everything hurts and I can't sleep and my sciatica gets so bad I can hardly walk. The heartburn is horrible. There's the utter exhaustion. But then...there's the magic of seeing that little pink line. Of knowing (in between pukes) that there's a person you are building, cell by cell, inside you. Speculations of whether that person is a he or a she. The little wiggles. Having the baby all to yourself. And the delivery...if I could have another delivery like Dee's, I would do it in a heartbeat. C is not on board with this.

I'm a little torn. I have *always* wanted 4 kids. I have 3 younger siblings, and 4 older ones (WAY older, like 15-20 years older, so we're not very close). When we were first talking about family, we had decided that we'd have 2 biological kids (presumably boys, given how C's family goes) and adopt 2 kids (girls). Once we entered the real adult world and realized that adoption is super expensive ($17-$30k, from the estimates I've seen) we have sort of pared down to adopt only one, just for financial reasons. I just can't deal with the heartbreak of the foster-to-adopt system, and I really want a baby so I can breastfeed it. But this yearning inside for 1 more biological kid is really tough. I would love to have a biological kid in a few years, and then adopt one so they have age-mates (within a couple years) like J and Dee, who are 3 years apart.

Anyway....

Hug Your Children

Even when they're difficult. Even when they yell. Even when they kick and hit and bite. They're still your children, and you still have them to hug. Tell them you love them EVERY DAY.

Not everyone is so lucky.

Free Kindle eBook!

I don't know how long this will be free, but you can download this right now from Amazon for FREE for your Kindle or Kindle app (also free!)

July 18, 2012 - Eight Years

Eight years ago today was my wedding day. C and I were actually married 5 days earlier, but this was the day we shared with friends and family and had the party. I am sometimes amazed that it's been eight years already, and am sometimes amazed that it's only been eight years.

May 27, 2012 - Jumping for Joy

A great horde of my nieces and nephews came to visit my parents' house this weekend.

Congratulations, baby brother!

My little brother graduated from high school tonight. *Sniff* I remember when he was J's size.

Hard workers!

J helping out my brother in my parents' back yard.

April 28, 2012 - Happy Birthday, Grandma

I wish you could have met your great-granddaughter.

Wordy Wednesday: Thankful

I've slacked off on actually doing this every day this month, so here you go. All in one fell swoop, a bunch of things I'm thankful for, but not one for every day in November.

I am thankful for my mom. Without her, I don't know how we'd be getting by financially every month. She has done so much for us, and for me, and I am very grateful.

I am thankful for my grandmother. She paid for my college education, she gave me my first car, and we bought our house from her. L's middle name is Margaret, in her honor, and I am sorry that my grandma won't ever know her namesake.

I am thankful for my husband. We've grown up together over the last 12 1/2 years, and we've been through a lot, and I am so glad he's part of my life.

I am thankful for my son. He is the light of my life, and makes me smile every day. I never expected him to have dimples, and I love all the other surprises he brings with him. He was so hard to bring into the world, and my pregnancy was hard, and I am thankful for having experienced it in order to have him in my life.

 

 

I am thankful for my daughter. I had long ago accepted the fact that I'd likely have 2 sons biologically, and I had almost given up on the idea that I could have a daughter when C's family seemed to make only boys. I am still giddy at times that I have a little girl, to play Barbies with (someday) and to dress up and to share the mother-daughter bond with, as I share it with my mother. I am so thankful for her, and I love her more than I can put into words. Her serious moods are so precious, and I look forward to watching her grow.

 

 

I am thankful for my puppies. Even though they drive me crazy sometimes.

I am thankful for coffee caffeine. Seriously, I don't get through days well without it. Maybe I'm addicted....

I am thankful for breastfeeding, and by extension, my boobs. I am so glad I've been able to have a successful breastfeeding relationship with both children, and I hope that L and I will continue that relationship for at least another year. 

I am thankful for my family. They are crazy and dysfunctional, and I don't necessarily like all of them all the time, but I am grateful that they are in my life.

This picture is probably 12 years old. It doesn't even include half of my family. Wow.

I am thankful for books. I guess this also applies to reading in general. We are a reading family, and I love it.

I am thankful for movies! I don't watch as many movies as I read books, but I do enjoy them. :-)

I am thankful for my girl friends. I don't have a best friend, really (other than C), but my girl friends remind me what life is really all about, and I love when we get together for book club or just interact online or whatever.

I am thankful for my lifelong friends. We may not talk regularly, and maybe we only keep in touch on Facebook, but that doesn't mean we love each other any less.

I am thankful for my family of choice. We have some friends that are family, even though no blood is shared. Life would not be the same without them, and they are a wonderful part of our lives.

I am thankful for chocolate.

I am thankful for Fall.

I am thankful for the Broncos, even when they lose, and even though there's some weird Tebow love fest going on.

I am thankful for my in-laws. They are wonderful people, and I feel so lucky that they are not (very) insane. Especially my mother-in-law, who is one of the most wonderful and sweet people I know.

 

 

I am also, of course, thankful to have this blog. I appreciate my few readers, of course, and it's really important for me to have this outlet.

So, what are you thankful for?

Cancer sucks.

My cousin lost her battle with inflammatory breast cancer today.

I love you Gail, I will always treasure the memories of you and think of you whenever I hear the Kinks. Or Donovan. Or eat Indian food.

I'm glad you're not hurting anymore, and that my son got to meet you. I'm sorry that my daughter never did.

Goodbye, and Namaste.

In which I go off on a long rant.

This post, in case you can't already tell, is going to be long and ranty, because, well, I am not amused. Before we begin, however, I'd like to share this photo.

I found it on Facebook, posted by a friend of mine, whom I know went to college. She captioned this picture as "Finally! Some truth in advertising." Y'all know my stance on vaccines and the whole "anti-vaccine" thing. I have to say that what we have here is some CVS employees that thought they were being clever, but really, were executing (haha) a massively poor setup in advertising their flu shots. Flu shots don't kill people. Having death holding the signs, while amusing, is not exactly the way to get people to get flu shots.

Now, onto my rant. My older brother is insane. He is disgustingly religious (I have no problem with people who have faith and a strong relationship with their chosen deity; just don't shove it down the throat of every person you meet) and for a smart guy, he's pretty fucking stupid and closed minded sometimes. He, for instance, wrote a whole book about how Prince Charles is the antichrist. Yup, that was my older half brother. I share DNA with him. *sigh* I actually have him and his family assigned to a group on Facebook entitled "Crazies" because then I can choose not to have them see things that I post, just so I don't have to deal with his bullshit sermon about my lifestyle. I have a number of other rants I could go on about this particular brother (including the time he told my younger sister and I, ages 4 and 5, respectively, that our parents were going to die and go to the fiery pits of hell because they were non-believers. That made for some fun nightmares), but today, I'll stick to this. Today, this brother commented on this article, and then chose to post his comment on Facebook. The article is about a teacher who was recently fired for making anti-gay statements on her personal Facebook page, attributing her stance to her Christian faith. All I am going to say about that is "don't be stupid, lady" but what's done is done, and if she didn't have the foresight to make her profile private, then that's her problem. I have no problem with her having been a teacher, etc, because presumably she kept her religious views out of the classroom just like the teachers I had growing up.

Anyway, my family member's response to the article (and presumably another commenter) was this:

The sodo-fascist and lesbian LGBT community must go. They will destroy this country from within, just like a cancer. Given that the governments in this country have by and large chosen to both sanction and defend such contrary-to-God-given-nature behavior as is displayed and promoted by sodo-fascists and lesbians, the only solution then is judgment from God Himself. And, of course, that is now coming, both from God and this country's enemies. It will be the natural consequence toward a country that has more than turned its back upon the only God of the Univierse, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. (Mr. Goldstein will be ashamed of his own thoughts, mouth, and conduct in days to come, and he too will face God's wrath, unless he repents and receives Jesus (Yeshua) as his Messiah and Savior.

 I cannot even describe how infuriated I was at reading this.  I can't say that I am too surprised, but the level of vitriol is just...wow. I have to ask, though, what the hell is a sodo-fascist? The only Google hit I got was this post, so I assume he made up the term, and that he is saying that sodomites are fascist? How does that even make sense? (C pointed out that fascist has come to mean "anything we hate" rather than actually referring to the political preference.) To imply that the LGBT community is a cancer, what the fuck. "THE GAY" doesn't spread like cancer. DISEASE spreads like disease. Cancer is killing my cousin and you have the balls to say that someone who is born with a different sexual orientation is like cancer? YOU BIGOT. I can't help but notice that he is condoning and promoting hate by saying that they "must go." Also, this paragraph that he wrote? That's pretty much the kind of crap that pours from his mouth at every.family.gathering. Thank goodness I only have to see him once a year.

Homosexuality doesn't come up often at our family gatherings, so I have never actually been faced with the level of his bigotry before. For someone who claims to be a "Christian" I can't say that these hateful words are at all Christian in spirit. He's reminding the internet that God will judge, but he's doing some damn fine judging himself. I almost don't want to allow my children around him. I just feel filthy and contaminated even being related to someone who can spew forth such poisonous words.

*deep breath*

Okay. Glad I got that out. Fuck, man.

Things I don't want to think about

1. My cousin Gail is in the hospital. She's been living with inflammatory breast cancer for a few years, but it looks like she's losing her battle. I don't want to think about it.
2. Money. Don't even want to think about it.
3. My baby not sleeping through the night, or even close. I am trying so hard not to hate resent all those people whose babies sleep and only wake up once or even twice a night. SO HARD.

Hey, I think I forgot my meds this morning. Whee.

24 Hours in My Life

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and wondering how I don't have time to do everything that I want to (including exercise, as mentioned previously). So I thought it might help to write down everything I do in a (typical) work day...

6:30am - Alarm goes off. Snooze alarm, nurse and snuggle baby (this may take until 7:30, depending on how hungry she is and how sleepy I am)

7:15 - shower, get ready, change baby and get both kids dressed, gather everything for the workday (breastpump, book, purse, water bottle, lunch, etc)

8:00 - leave for work (generally end up leaving between 8:15 and 8:30)

9:00 - 5:00 (ish) work - sometimes this is longer or shorter

6:00 - arrive home; if it's my turn to cook, then I cook, but in general we eat between 6 and 7

7-7:30 - Bedtime for baby! If it's a bath night, then bath time for J

8:00-8:30 - Bedtime for J

9:00 - Time to take the dogs out, pump, then work on writing or knitting/other projects or cleaning

10:00 - L wakes up, back asleep again by 10:15...(may nurse, may just want her paci)

10:30 or 11 - Get ready for bed

11:30 - L wakes up again. Say "screw it" and bring her to bed where I fall asleep while she nurses. She wakes to eat some more around 2 something and 5 something. I don't really wake up all the way to roll over and switch the side she's nursing on, but I do wake up some. Although if it's a night like last night, she will end up coming to bed with me at 12:30, and waking up every hour and a half to two hours because she wants to sprawl out and/or eat but doesn't want to be in her own bed.

6:30am: start all over again. This morning L thought it would be fun to play peek-a-boo with Daddy while we were all snuggling. It was pretty damn cute.

On a related note, J started yesterday with a song he made up entitled "Zombie up!" That seems to be the zombie equivalent of "cowboy up" and it works pretty well. With L's sleep schedule (ha!) I sure as hell feel like a zombie.

Rebirth

Five days ago, my dad died. For somewhere between 30 seconds, and 3 minutes, he laid there on the ground in South Africa with no pulse and no breath. He heard singing, like a chorus, felt pressure on his chest, and slowly came back.

He tells the story casually, almost, saying he died and was reborn after falling off a truck. People around him were panicking, preparing to do CPR, but hadn't yet begun when he came back. For my part, I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I am hearbreakingly grateful that he is alive and here, and I know his body will heal (he popped most of his ribs out when he landed, so is in a lot of pain, but he is ALIVE). At the same time, I am devastated by thinking that my daddy was DEAD, and part of me grieves for his mortality. Every day of my life he's been here, on this earth. Mostly not where I am, but still available. Reachable. I have nightmares sometimes where he's died. I know he's almost 70 and will not live forever, but I am not ready to say goodbye. I am so thankful that he's here, and alive. I have more time with him. Who knows how long, but thank god it's not up yet. I am so glad he hasn't been called Home, that they sent him back. The scientific part of my brain tells me that when he fell, his nervous system received a shock that stopped his heart and lungs for a moment, but the rest of me is so grateful for the miracle that things restarted again.

There are so few people on this earth that know even slightly what this is like...what am I supposed to feel?

Goodbye, Grandma

 

Goodbye, Grandma Margaret. I hope your journey Home was swift and painless. Say hi to Grandpa and Aunt Janet for me. I love you and I'm so glad J got to meet you, and you him.

April 28, 1931 - February 16, 2010

Being A Grown-Up

When I was a child, I used to think that grown-ups could do whatever they wanted to, whenever they wanted to.

Now that I'm a grown-up, I know better.

Being a grown-up means that you have to do things that you really don't want to, because it's the right thing to do. Today I went to visit my grandma. It breaks my heart when I visit her, so I don't like to visit because it's too painful to me. The fact that J is terrified of my grandma doesn't help make me go, because trying to deal with a screaming toddler while Grandma doesn't understand why he's screaming because she can't hear well enough for to tell her just doesn't work well.

Anyway. She was curled up on her bed, not asleep, but in a pretty hazed-out morphine high. I held her hand, she squeezed mine back. Her eyes didn't focus on anything, didn't even look up at me. I watched her lay there, sometimes closing her eyes like a small child trying to pretend they're asleep, curled up like a mouse that's been too long in this world. After a few minutes, I kissed her cheek and said goodbye. Her skin was soft, like warm silk over her too-bony cheek.

The hospice care woman was there when I left. Grandma hasn't been eating. She's getting morphine every 4 hours because she can't swallow her Oxycontin. The pain in her legs is so great that she really can't move or anything even with the painkillers.

I cried as I was leaving, silent tears streaming down my face. I have a feeling this is the last time I'm going to get to see her.

But that's what grown-ups do. They do things that hurt and they do things they don't want to, because they need to be done.

Thankful/Blessed

I am thankful/blessed that my son was born at full term, and is healthy.

I am thankful/blessed that my son is alive today, and that he is able to be a pain in the ass sometimes.

I am thankful/blessed that my son is smart and has no developmental issues.

I am thankful/blessed that my son is way into sleeping well, and potty training.

I am thankful/blessed that we have the money to help someone less fortunate this year.

I am thankful for/blessed with my friends and my family.

I am thankful/blessed.

Please pray for Jillian's mommy and daddy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at my BIL Jake's house. All of C's siblings (that live in this state) and their families were there, so it was total chaos, but it was great. The Great Pumpkin Dessert was a huge hit (thanks again to my fabulous friend Francisca!). We also had all the regular stuff. Poor little J didn't feel much like eating (his molars were bothering him, poor boy) but he did eat bread, so I guess that's good.

We did go see my grandma before we headed over to Jake's house. She was sitting in the dining room when we got there, so we took her back to her room and helped her get into bed. It was a bit heartbreaking. As soon as she was in bed she just curled up and went to sleep like a little mouse. I wish growing old didn't have to be so painful.

I am thankful that C and I both have jobs.
I am thankful that my grandmother has gotten to meet J, even if he is afraid of her.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for my house.
I am thankful for my health and the health of those I care about.

I hope your Thanksgivings were memorable and full of love, family, and food.

I hope your days served to remind you of your blessings, as mine did, rather than to act as a prelude to Christmas shopping.

C HAS A JOB!!

After months of searching, applying, and hearing nothing, C found an open position at a neighborhood liquor store (one of the largest in the state, sweet!). Since he's recently taken a beer judging certification course, he actually has credentials for working there. So he applied, got interviewed yesterday, and got the job today!

It's going to involve a somewhat hectic schedule for everyone, but it will be worth it to have less financial worry. He'll be working from 3:30pm til either 7:30 or 9:30 at night for a total of 20-30 hours a week. This means that I will be working from 6:30am til 2:30pm. Yikes. However, that leaves me more time to spend with J, and take the dogs for walks, and keep the house neat. Another bonus? C is making more to start here than he did after 2 years at a national baby supply retailer. Um, yeah. Sweet! It's going to be rough for the first month, but then it's smooth sailing and we can even TTC when we planned to! Yay! Can you tell I'm just through the roof? I keep smiling like an idiot.

Thank you, Universe, for listening to my plea.