So That Happened...

You may have noticed I didn't do my weigh in post last week. I'll get to the why of that that in a moment.

In the meantime, on Friday, my weight was 140.8, which means I lost a pound that week, but didn't actually lose anything compared to the last couple weeks, meaning that I've been maintaining at about 140.

I found out why on Thursday night.

Morning

Evening...

How Far along: 4 weeks on Thursday, which makes me 4w4d today, which is Carnegie stage 8, which means that my baby looks like a vulva.

Baby size: Poppyseed.

Total weight gain: None.

Maternity clothes: N/A, though honestly, this bloat is no joke. By evening it's seriously uncomfortable.

Sleep: Like a rock, if I actually get to sleep all night. Thanks to Dee, this is an infrequent occurrence, but at least she's weaned now so that makes my mornings a little better. I don't always hear her wake up at night right now though, and often C nudges me and wakes me up to tend her.

Best Moment this week: Not even a little related to pregnancy, but it was Dee's birthday party. I'll share pics of that in another post.

Movement: N/A

Gender: It's a boy. I know this.

Labor signs: N/A

Belly button: In, and expected to be in for the duration.

Cravings: Nothing particularly sounds good, but lemon/lime stuff is very, very appealing.

What I miss: Nothing yet, although I will be missing margaritas and Bitter Elders this summer.

Stretch Marks: No new ones.

What is different this time around: Bloat is worse, makes my belly look huge (see pics above). I am in better physical condition this time than with either previous kid, in spite of what the scale says, and I have mostly fixed my diastasis recti, so I'm going to keep trying to maintain that the best I can. 

What I am looking forward to this week: Hoping that morning sickness does not decide to show up, and that some foods at least sound like something I want to eat. I also plan to get in at least 6 miles, but I'm not really very hopeful about any evening workouts.


This was not planned, as you may have guessed from my previous posts. C and I were not planning to have a third biological kid, and though I wanted one I was not even contemplating anything seriously for at least another year (though he now says that I had almost persuaded him to have another child). We were using spermicide (VCF films, which had not failed us in probably 40 months of use). I had the thought, the day I ovulated, that I had somehow gotten pregnant this cycle, but put it out of my mind as sheer imagination. When, a week after ovulation, I felt crampy (pinchy cramps) I mentioned it to C, and he said maybe things were just getting going early this cycle. Then a couple days later I almost fell asleep in my parked car right after I got to work in the morning. I had random hot flashes and random nausea flashes. Smells jumped out and ambushed me. I was intermittently crampy and felt "wet" constantly.  My period didn't show up at 12, or 13, or 14 DPO, so on my way home I bought a DollarTree test. I didn't tell C because I fully expected that I was making all this up in my head and the test was naturally going to be negative.

I am sort of getting excited, but I am sort of terrified (C is in this same boat). I am not worried about pregnancy and delivery, really, except that we can't afford to deliver off network (J and Dee were both born at the same hospital, one that is not included by Kaiser) this time, so I'll be going to a Kaiser hospital. I do not like how they handle pregnancy or delivery, so this is hard for me. They no longer have midwives that I can see for my prenatal visits. I can only hope that our work quits using Kaiser, but I am not terribly optimistic about that.  We were planning to finish fixing up and sell our house next spring (2015) but now that has been moved up to this fall, if we can do it. It's going to be a challenge. I think we can still move next spring, but we'll be really crowded in the meantime.

Oh, and did I mention that we no longer have any baby stuff? I think we still have the dropside crib I got from my sister but I hate that thing (never mind the fact that it's been recalled). At least we still have a few cloth diapers, too, so we just need to rebuild our stash of those. I'm also very glad that while I had put all my nursing bras in the "donate" box, we hadn't actually donated them, so I know that when my boobs decide to go nuts I will be ready. And breast pumps are covered now by insurance, so that is nice. Anyway, there you go.

For what it's worth, I will still be doing my 300 miles for the year, I'll just have an extra person joining me. I will still report my mileage each week, and any other workouts I do.

*Ahem* Also, please check my mileage ticker! GO ME!! 101 MILES DOWN! Booya!

Weekly Weigh #10

Well this was a frustrating week. I kicked ass in so many ways, I ate right, I exercised lots. I met my calorie goals every day (actually was 100-200 calories below my max every day) I only got in 7.5 miles, but I did do 2 workouts (Bikini Body Mommy Day 3, and Guts and Butts yesterday). However, I've been horribly bloated (hormones suck balls) and as a result, where I weighed 140.6 on Monday (easy reach of the 130s!!), this morning the scale showed me 141.8. I know that 1 pound fluctuations mean nothing, but not a single ounce lost, and in fact a slight gain this week? Very frustrating. I am not tracking today, because I need a break. My hormones are bugging the hell out of me, it looks like I will have a short luteal phase this month (like 9 days, maybe,  because I'm on 8DPO now and bloated as hell, as well as having been crampy yesterday and the day before). So, last week = ovulation, and this week = PMS. Lovely.

Plus I'm working late today, but fortunately not horribly late (yay!) and I can still make it to meet a new friend at the Christopher Moore book signing. My mommy is back from her stint in Hawaii for the past 2 1/2 years so she's babysitting, while C has a gig. Busy Friday night, yeah?

And Dee turns 3 on Sunday, and has her 3 year checkup on Monday. Her birthday party is next weekend, so I'll post pictures of that when the time comes.

Random Updates

Howdy, everyone... How's life?

Yeah, I've neglected the whole writing thing lately. Bad Tena, bad!

Anyway.

Dee is now totally night weaned (yay!!). This took telling her that we only nurse at bedtime and morning (which I count as 5am at the earliest) and that if she wakes up at night (which she does, usually once or twice at 1-2am) we will hug her and snuggle her and put her back in her bed.

I'm much happier and more sane off of Mirena, still. I've been charting CM, which seems to be working pretty well for us (also using VCF spermicide films, not just checking CM). I'm not a huge fan of the short LP I've been having (9 days? no thanks), but I started taking B6 a couple days ago. I'm currently on 10DPO but PMSing like crazy, so waiting for AF to show at any second. Bleh. Hopefully the B6 will help so I'm not like oh, hey, it's period time again. It helped in the past (between kiddos).

I haven't been running in ages, though my legs are all better. I was planning on going this week but between working on J's Halloween costume (a pteranodon) and someone having made off with my shoe inserts I don't see it happening. I really need to find those, I have no idea where they went. They were on my night stand one morning and that afternoon, poof! Vanished.

I think that's all for the moment. I'm going to take my wedding ring in to get resized and replated today. Whee! Do I know how to live or what?! It needs to be made bigger...turns out that yes, my finger got fatter over the last almost 10 years, and that gaining 20 pounds in that same time frame doesn't mean my fingers are still the same size that they were when I was 20/21.

Mirena: My Whole Story

Yay, it's out! Thank the gods.

Now to tell my whole story. It is not a great or terribly positive one, but here it is.

July 31, 2012 - Mirena inserted during period. I took some ibuprofen before the appointment. Insertion was a little crampy but nothing at all compared to period cramps or labor. I weigh 140 pounds, the same as when I became pregnant with Dee.

July 31-Sept 8 - Spotting and light bleeding

Oct 14- Very light, very short "period" with only one day of very light bleeding and a day on either side of spotting. It is around this point in time that I noticed that my depression and anxiety seem to be worse than usual, in that I am more irritable, moody and my Zoloft doesn't seem to be as stabilizing as it has generally been. This continues for the remainder of the time I have the Mirena.

November - My acne becomes worse than it has ever been, even as a teenager. It is painful and awful, and I am embarrassed to be nearly 30 years old with this complexion. I publish this post.

Dec 29 - I am now up to 146 pounds, and have another very short and light period (one day of very light bleeding, a day or two of spotting on either side)

I continue to experience cramping, discomfort, "fullness" and other various symptoms.

April 14 - Visit the OB/GYN office to see why I am in pain. Ultrasound reveals that the Mirena is in perfect position, but it does appear that I am gearing up to ovulate (which can actually happen, just rarely, on Mirena). The nurse sympathizes with my acne and other symptoms but urges me to try and "wait it out." My weight is 149.

May 5-11 (approximately) - I feel melancholy, exhausted, irritable, and begin to feel like I'm experiencing terrible mood swings and PMS. This is weird because while my moods and depression have been worse since getting the Mirena, I have not experienced anything like this. I post this and I begin to feel like I haven't experienced anything like this since I was first pregnant with J (which can basically be summed up as feeling like I was going through the worst PMS imaginable, though of course it wasn't PMS). I have cramps (more than usual) and just chalk it up to the same old crap. I have dreams that I am pregnant and I assume that they are just my brain vomit (however I haven't had many of those in my life since having had kids, and they were predominantly when I was actually pregnant). My weight at this point is 147.8.

May 11 - I start the worst period ever, and also post this. The cramps come in waves (much like contractions...) and I am in so much pain for 3 days of heavy bleeding that I spend as much time as possible on the couch taking ibuprofen around the clock. I have no energy and am just miserable. I used to (before I had kids) have occasional period cramps that made me want to vomit, but these are entirely different.

When I had the Mirena removed on June 10, the midwife noted that it was lower than it should have been (therefore lower than it had been in April). I believe, now, that what happened was this: I was pregnant. No more than 4-5 weeks at the most. I had a miscarriage. I didn't see anything in the toilet because it was very early (and I wasn't really looking...). The contraction-like cramps that I had were, in fact, contractions, and they managed to shift the position of the Mirena in the process of everything else.

I've since had my first period since Mirena removal. It wasn't bad, pretty much a normal period. No remarkable cramps or anything. I have lost 1.5 pounds since getting the Mirena out. My skin is healing and clearing up nicely, though I have some uneven tone and things that are still present. I expect that will take time to disappear.

As far as the miscarriage? I don't know. I feel, in my heart, that is what happened. I never took a pregnancy test. I have no way of knowing now, and I don't even know if it "counts" since I didn't even connect the dots til a few weeks after it was all over. I don't know what I am supposed to feel. Upset? I didn't want to be pregnant...but I would never have said I'd rather lose a baby than to be pregnant again. It's not in the plans for C and I to have a third biological child, for a number of reasons. We want to adopt a child, maybe two. I still want to have 4 kids when all is said and done, but originally we'd planned to only have two biological children. Now...I don't know. I feel like I'm supposed to feel something that I don't, or maybe I do feel something but have no "right" to feel anything because I don't even know for certain I was pregnant.

I know that my experiences were not common. The acne side effect is somewhat rare (I think about 10% get it), but well documented. Pregnancy can happen, rarely (less than a tenth of 1% of the time) and when it does, it may be either ectopic or it may be uterine, but there is a high risk of miscarriage either way.

So there you have it. My story. I would not get the Mirena again.

One More Week!

I am getting the Mirena out in ONE WEEK. Huzzah!

No more cramps.
No more acne.
No more exhaustion (from that...).
No more horrendous PMS-and-periods-from-hell (once was quite enough, thanks).

Oy. It will be *so* nice to be back to normal!

Well, that explains a lot.

You know how I said that the one perk of Mirena was the no periods? Yeah. Guess what showed up today? I guess a six month break is nice, but I don't recall PMS and the first couple days sucking this much. I have been a complete bitch (like to the point that I feel like I haven't taken my Zoloft when I haven't missed any days lately), exhausted, and in desperate need of chocolate. I am kind of afraid of how bad this will get...

*sigh*

Well, at least I'm not spiraling downward again.

The Things We Suffer in the Name of Birth Control

I've been breaking out worse than I ever have before in the last month or so. My chest and upper back are all spotty, and it's horrid cystic acne, not just mild breakouts. A little Googling let to the Mayo Clinic's website, and I found this lovely list of Mirena side effects.

Side effects associated with Mirena include:

• Headache
• Acne
• Breast tenderness
• Breakthrough bleeding
• Absence of periods (amenorrhea), especially after one year of use
• Mood changes
• Weight gain
• Ovarian cysts
• Abdominal or pelvic pain

I can check off #2, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 9. Hm. So that sucks. I guess at least there's an explanation for the 5 pounds I gained, and the acne, and the depression.

But hey, I'm not pregnant, so that's good, right?

Free Uterus to a Good Home

After a nearly 2 year (ok, 22 month) absence, my period has returned. I am not really surprised, I did stop pumping two weeks ago... and a supply drop would explain why L has been so frigging hungry lately.

Ugh. Seriously, this sucks. And naturally, all I have in my desk are pantiliners because I haven't needed anything in almost two years!!!

Oh well. I am just going to have to look forward to Ikea and dinner out this evening. Assuming my cramps don't kill me first. *shrivel*

Optimism

I looked very closely at my chart. If I tell FF to analyze it using the FAM, I get an ovulation day of CD 14, which is what I had been going off of, and my chart is triphasic, I appear to be at 13DPO, and it looks like this:

If, however, I change the settings to "Advanced" analysis, which takes all factors into account (I think), I get an ovulation day of CD 17, which puts me at 10DPO today. Considering that I had made a note on CD17 that I had so much EWCM I was doubting my ovulation date, I'm really thinking this may be the correct O date, even though I didn't feel a darn thing. This is the chart with that interpretation. (I also dropped that random high temp, but only because it gave me pretty solid crosshairs vs dotted ones.)

I am suddenly feeling much more optimistic about this cycle. Considering that I apparently started testing at 6DPO (which I thought was 9 at the time), no wonder I've only gotten BFNs. 

Whining.

BFN this morning. 13 DPO. I got the BFP with J on 13 DPO. I *know* that in theory I could still be pregnant. That we could have been successful. That my cramps and perfect triphasic chart might actually mean something. My only other triphasic chart was when I was pregnant with J. But the fact is that I have gotten 5 negative tests. I know, testing early is not necessarily a good idea. I figured the odds were in my favor of getting a positive. Apparently not. I'm not giving up til I have to, but I'm not holding out any hope either. I just need to stay away from Fertility Friend's chart gallery and be realistic.

I had a couple of spots on the white shirt I wanted to wear today. Couldn't find the Tide pen thingy, so I diluted some bleach and applied it directly. 20 minutes later I had 2 LAVENDAR spots on my white shirt. Discovered as I was buckling my seatbelt in the car. What the fuck. Had to change my shirt.

Driving in to work, I came to an all-way stop. A bicyclist kept on going, didn't slow down and didn't look. Apparently he missed the memo that he's supposed to follow traffic laws too. Asshole. I honked at him, he gave me a dirty look, and kept on going. I found myself hoping he gets hit, and realized that is a horrible, horrible thing to wish on anyone, and amended my hope to be that he runs a stop sign in front of a cop. Or hits a cop.

I feel down and hormonal and awful. I just need to deal with it. It's pretty damn unlikely that we'd have been successful the 1st cycle anyway. There's only a 20% chance of someone my age getting knocked up in a given cycle (when everything is perfect), and it took us 4 cycles with J, so why shouldn't it take at least that many for the next kid.

Dammit. It's only 9:15.

ETA: I made a mistake at work this week. I thought that something we were supposed to ship on 7/20 was supposed to ship 8/20. As soon as I realized it, I set about trying to ship the stuff yesterday, just one day late. Well, I didn't have time to finish before I had to leave in order for C to get to work in time. So I called the person to whom we shipped the stuff, made sure it was okay with her that I ship on Monday because I didn't have time to finish sorting everything out, and it was totally fine with her. Emailed my boss this morning just to keep him in the loop. He sends me an email about how he doesn't understand why things like this keep happening because I am "not busy." Um, what? I've never missed a shipment date before. I get it. I am not putting 110% into this job, but I MAKE MISTAKES. I'm fucking human, people.

Fuck I'm hormonal today. I just want to sit in the corner and cry.

Interesting.

If you are of the male persuasion, you may not want to read this. Consider yourself warned.


Today I am on CD13. I had a temp dip and am having ovulation pains, and lots of EWCM. This is the earliest I have ever ovulated. Huh. Interesting. I guess I'll see tomorrow if I actually O'd today or not, but still. Interesting.

We Should Love Our Lady Bits

Warning: this is a rant about women hating their god/nature given lady bits. It will be discussing the female anatomy. If you don't want to read about it, I suggest you stop reading now.

C recently made me aware of this phenomenon called "Vajazzling." which is essentially bedazzling your bikini area and possibly your labia (if you want...though why you would is beyond me). This (obviously) involves either shaving or waxing your entire bikini area.

There is a lot of shame in our (American) culture surrounding the way women feel about their labia and genitals and the fact that they have hair on them. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about shaving my legs and armpits, but my lady parts? No thank you. I have shaved in the past, but I think that Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy puts it very well.(Go to 3:05 for the relevant part, I couldn't find a better clip.)



To summarize, I think a grown woman should look like a grown woman when it comes to her lady bits, not like a little girl. That's creepy to me. Plus, a PITA to maintain. Primarily though, it's weird to me that someone would find that sexy when all I can think of is that little girls are the only female humans that have no hair down there naturally (I'm excluding people with alopecia).

I am all for trimming things up and maintaining things in a nice, neat way, but still. C just pointed out that men like their partners to shave so they don't get hair in their mouths, but whatever. I'm not going to get upset that C doesn't shave his balls just because I get hair in my mouth sometimes. Also, that most men haven't seen naked little girls so that isn't what they're thinking of. Anyway.

If you ever visit a pregnancy message board, the issue of shaving comes up a lot, especially as women discuss the end of their pregnancies and not wanting the doctor to have to see *gasp* pubic hair. I don't think I was terribly neatly trimmed when I delivered J, but I didn't care if the doctors/midwives saw it or not. They were going to watch me push a baby out of my vagina. They watch women push babies out and the shit that comes out while you're pushing. I really don't think they care whether you're shaved or not.

I just don't understand why women are so ashamed of their hair. It's a sign that you are a full grown woman. An adult. Sexually mature. Capable (in theory) of bearing children. We evolved/were made to only have hair on our groins (and underarms, but I won't attempt to explain that one) for a reason. Perhaps that reason is to keep our most private parts private for our partners alone to enjoy, not to show everyone while we bathe. Perhaps it's for protection from the elements before clothing was invented. Whatever the reason, it is not something I feel the need to mess with. I definitely don't feel the need to bedazzle my lady bits. That's so stupid and pointless, and I honestly think less of Jennifer Love Hewitt for promoting such a thing. Why can't we just love our bodies and our genitals as they are? Why do we have to put sparkly things on them to feel sexy or attractive?

Lots of Random and Baby-Related Musings

Three years ago tomorrow, I started the cycle that led to J.

During that cycle, I started my job. I got the flu and had a fever on my first day of work, but you can't call in sick your first day. Because I had the flu and other stresses, I didn't ovulate until CD28. You may notice (if you are familiar with Fertility Friend) that we had sex 5 and 3 days before ovulation, because I'd thought I ovulated already. When my temp dropped I turned to C and said, "Hmm. We may have made a baby this month." I was sort of joking, since the 3 cycles prior to that we'd had no luck with TTC. One month to the day after I started my job, I got this:

So much for taking a few months off from TTC (we were going to take a few months off so I'd qualify for FMLA). I am so glad we had J, even if he did arrive on his own timeline! He's the best kid I could have imagined. Even though I have a small bruise from the biting rampage he went on a few days ago. Grr.

Anyway. *If* C and I were going to TTC #2 this cycle, the timeline would be 2 weeks and 4 days off from my pregnancy with J. If we were successful. And if we were TTC, which we aren't. I refuse to be in my 3rd trimester at Christmas again. Deprive a pregnant woman of Christmas cookies? That's just mean.

We are planning to TTC this summer (HA! No more specific than that. I know it's just *killing* you, right? Okay, that's enough deluding myself). This gives us the following possible due dates, for all the potential cycles that I have estimated. Assuming ovulation on CD20 and an average of 32 day cycles.
4/11/2011
5/13/2011 (Yeah...as if we need more May babies in this family...Hmm.)
6/14/2011
7/16/2011 (Ooh, super pregnant in the summer with no A/C.)
8/17/2011 (Yeah. Same as above comment.)
9/18/2011 (Still super pregnant in the summer with no A/C. Let's hope one of the earlier cycles works, eh?)

So Not Feelin' It

PMS is a bitch. My temp is still up-ish (over coverline) but I feel all PMSy. Exhausted, sore boobs (though not very sore! Yay for the vitamin E working it's magic!), cramps, lots of lovely spots on my chest, etc. I am going to call them spots from now on, it sounds so much nicer than zits or pimples. I have made it to 13 DPO without a substantial drop in temperature, though my current temp is what it was when this cycle started, and I didn't take the B6 regularly this cycle. I took it rather infrequently during the FP, but mostly that was because I had the stomach flu for part of the second week of my cycle so everything was all off. Last cycle it made me so sick to my stomach starting like the day of ovulation, I can't say I was sad to take a month off. Next cycle I'll try again and see what happens.Update: eating my afternoon snack (almonds, yay for eating healthy again!) is making me nauseous. "Sweet." Progesterone sucks. Maybe one cycle of B6 was enough to get my body back on track or something. I never used to get nauseated during my LP. Having had a baby messes with your cycle.

Mentally I'm just totally dragging. I just want a vacation. Maybe I need more caffeine. I've already had coffee today. I think I need some more. Maybe I'll go walk the stairs for a few minutes. That would warm me up too, I'm cold. Yay for random whining!!

If it matters, my day yesterday improved tremendously after the morning mishaps. Until I got home and J decided it would be fun to bite me 5 times, consequences be damned. Yeah. I had a rum and coke before bed.

Blah. Hate PMS.

I could really do without the "PMS starts 1 week after ovulation" thing. My boobs are sore, I'm exhausted, I'm irritable. Good times. And my temperature is still lovely and high (98.2, if you care to know) so AF is not, in fact, pending at any second. I need to start taking Vitamin E again. I used to take 400U a day due to massive breast tenderness during PMS, and it worked amazingly. I haven't taken it since I got pregnant with J, but I haven't had problems with sore boobies until the last couple cycles. Good times.

Update

My ute got her act together, and is now trying to kill me. Ugh. Stupid short LP and cramps and stuff.

Come ON, Uterus. Get it together.

What the effing hell. This is ridiculous. Uterus, either start bleeding or stop being a pain in the...well...yourself. Dammit. Chart in post below, it's really lovely. My temp is now going up again. WTF.

In related news, when C and I had sex the night before my temp first dipped, it was not enjoyable. It did not feel good. Last time that happened was when I was pregnant with J. Yikes. Ugh.

Ok, Body, WTF Are You Doing?!

I am 8 DPO (days post ovulation), and my body seems to think that is a good day to start acting like the end of my cycle. I've been crampy, my sciatica is flaring up, I'm breaking out like a teenager with really bad skin, and at about noon today I just about fell asleep sitting at my desk. I also have a headache but I don't think that's related. The last few cycles I've had obscenely long LPs (well, 16-18 days) and now all of a sudden my body is misbehaving. Ugh.


I suppose it's possible that I am actually 13 DPO (if I ovulated on cycle day 15), but my fertility signs don't exactly agree with that, and it would be a slow and erratic temp rise. *sigh* I think I just need to go to bed. I want my ibuprofen to kick in. If my period starts tomorrow I will say that I ovulated on CD15 and just override the chart. If my temp goes back up, I will sigh, say WTF, and hope I am not pregnant (but hey, thanks to that deal I posted below, I could find out in a few weeks for free).

ETA: Ugh ok, temp stayed down. I guess I did ovulate on CD15. Bleh.

How am I on CD 18 already?!

Where has this cycle gone? I am already on CD 18. Huh. At least I am approaching ovulation. In theory. The crazy fucked up dreams have started as of last night, so it's getting closer...

Shockingly Normal Cycle

Apparently my body and my cervix were not communicating, but my chart for my first cycle off of birth control is weirdly normal-looking. Other than the 10-day luteal phase (LP), but my first ones off bc last time had short LPs too.