Thankful Day 10

I am thankful for modern technology.

Musings

Last night I was in our basement, painting cabinets (for the kitchen, final coat of paint before the protective top coat...The end is in sight). J and Dee came down to "hang out" and it turned into J sitting on a ball, using two plastic arrows to tap out a song on one of the metal support poles (to accommodate the expansion and contraction of the clay-soil our house is on). Dee was playing a "video game" that involved killing vampires so they wouldn't eat her baby that she brought down. J saw a giant (like 1") cricket and thought it was a spider, and nearly freaked out, but we caught the cricket in a jar (female, massively long ovipositor clearly visible) and Dee proudly marched the jar upstairs to show C, and ask him to please release the girl cricket outside. J visibly relaxed once the monster bug was out of his realm. I resumed painting.

I made pumpkin cookies to bring in to work today. Of course I had to eat a couple before bed, so I paid with heartburn and reflux all night, compounded by Dee getting up 3 (only three?) times, as well as needing to pee and chomp some more papaya enzyme tablets.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I don't know if I can claim a loss I'm not even sure was really a loss. I don't want to falsely acknowledge something that never happened, but I also feel like I should acknowledge a loss that I had, confirmed by a stupid pee stick or not. I also feel, in my core, that Little Cat C (baby 3's current and possible forever bloggy nickname) was the child that tried to come then, and came back again. The child that was meant to be and fought like hell to show up on this earth. Do I mourn the loss of a child that came back? Of a child meant to be mine from the first? Or do I accept that I never knew if I was pregnant back then and move on? I never wanted to be part of the loss "club" but I also never wanted to be in limbo.

The melancholy persists, Little Cat C rolls gently in her sleep, meant to be mine.

Adrift on a Sea of Unchanging Mist

Drifting. Floating. Stagnant. Close your eyes. Sleep. Tomorrow, tomorrow, always tomorrow. Aching fullness never comes. It is time. My body moves on and waves wash through me. Sleep is interrupted, again. The weight of my body is an unchanging burden. I should sweat, I should move, but the exhaustion overtakes me again and I decline to pursue activity. Dormant, hibernating. Could I crystallize for a while? Could I just...?

Wondering, pondering, my brain does not rest. Twinges and sensations abound and all I do is contemplate. Heaviness. Breathe in, breathe out. Exist. Be in the moment. Observe. Listen. Feel. Close the world around you. Let it be. What will happen will happen. No control but your reactions. Be still. Beat, beat, beat...forever. Still. Can you feel it? Life, insistent, cocooned in my body, my pulse, my soul. Hush and let it be. Let the waves come. Feel the air around you, close, thick, soft. Hush.

Ode to the Dentist

Can't feel half my face
Extra septocaine is good
Til it's time to eat

So... I went to the dentist this morning. Dee threw a fit because she couldn't come with me. I guess it's good that the kids like the dentist so much. Anyway, I get to go again in 2 weeks (after just having my teeth cleaned 2 weeks ago) because I get to have a crown put on! Yay! Not really yay. But at least my teeth will be taken care of. Ugh.

They numbed me up super, duper well, which is better than not enough, and great because I usually burn through the numbing agent pretty fast. I left there almost an hour and a half ago, and I still look like I've had a stroke because I can't move half of my upper lip. Today I had a filling on top (at some point, seriously, I will have had every possible space filled...) and the temporary crown put on, after prep was done on my tooth for the permanent one.

And I'm hungry.

But I already chewed up my cheek while at the dentist (whoops) so... no food until my mouth is no longer numb. I'm going to walk to Chipotle (which is just past Starbucks, so I'll get my exercise!) and hopefully by the time I get back my face won't be numb any more. I read that exercise helps? Oy.

In the meantime, kids, take care of your teeth. Even if you have shitty enamel like I got from my parents, every little bit helps. 

Update: It took until almost 4:00 before my face was no longer numb. My left cheek is still sort of weird, like non-working and my top lip doesn't work symmetrically. Fun. I ended up getting a smoothie at Starbucks and not going to Chipotle, because chewing is hard even with feeling. I also discovered that I bit my tongue in at least 3 places, badly, so I keep tasting blood and it stings. Icky. And owie.

Universe, You Shall Not Win!!

So the Universe is trying to tell me something. I was all set to do my yoga video (that's right, I said video, we're old school like that) last night (PM Yoga, I love it) and couldn't find the plug for the VHS rewinder. Which we need, because our VCR eats tapes if you try to rewind with it. I entered a rage-filled frustration zone where I tore apart the house for like 30 minutes trying to find the damn plug (you can see, maybe, part of why I needed to do this soothing yoga...) So finally at like 10:30 C gets home from rehearsal, and finds the plug. I rewind the tape, insert it in the VCR. The VCR promptly eats the tape. Alrighty then. No more VHS for us, the VCR has gone all Donner Party on us and is going to eat anything it can, whether or not we try to rewind in it. So... I still need to do yoga. More than before, because this event has only increased my agitation and keyed-up-ed-ness (it's a word, I swear). C suggests I check the internet. No streaming yoga on Netflix (though it seems to me they're missing something with that), and to get my treasured program on YouTube I have to pay $4. I don't think so, Internet, you will not trick me!! I didn't find anything else satisfactory on YouTube, so I put on a meditation CD and made up my own PM Yoga. I felt SO much better, even though I maybe only spent 10 minutes and probably did some of it wrong. I went to sleep and figured morning would be nice.

Dee, in the meantime, woke up twice last night. 3 times if you count the time I allowed her to finally come snuggle and nurse. I woke up with a splitting headache (seriously, who crammed my head with cotton and clamped it in a vise-grip?) and a head cold. UGH.

So the Universe is trying to foil my plans to be healthier. I will not be so easily defeated, dastardly foe!!

Currently I am...

appreciating My two beautiful, healthy children.

reading A Visit from the Goon Squad, Lorna Doone, and A Prayer for Owen Meany. 

listening to Pseudopod, episode 369.

tasting Big Red gum. A change from my usual mint that isn't peppermint. 

learning to slow down and breathe and live in the moment, because life chances in a heartbeat. 

noticing the sunshine outside, and the dull throb in the finger I jammed this weekend.

anticipating the arrival of our new range on Wednesday, an evening hosting a friend for dinner, my birthday next week

working at chipping away at the mountain of data in front of me.

making the best of what I have.

watching C play Brutal Legend (because it is the awesomest game EVAR and it's like watching an interactive movie).

accepting that I have no control over most things in the world, and that my daughter will probably continue to request her morning snuggles in my bed for a while yet.

organizing our basement and finances so we can send Dee to preschool in the fall.

planning updates to our house so we can sell it and buy a bigger house with a yard in a year and a half or so. 

loving my family, even when they make me completely crazy.

buying only what we need. It's a re-training thing. I used to be really good at it. 

finishing my second cup of coffee (well, I will be soon, anyway).

embracing the shape of my body.

daring to speak my mind. 

I got the idea for this listy post from Beth Anne. If you haven't read her blog, you should. It's the comfort of a chat with dear old friend at it's finest, but in a blog.

Longing

I know, I know. I hate being pregnant. I ache, I puke for half of it, I have a reactive uterus so I have contractions for months.  I know. And yet.

And yet I feel the absence of a son. I want to adopt a child, still, but there is a deep yearning ache for a child born of my body. Both are meant to be mine, my children. As much as I dislike pregnancy I miss it so much. I ache to feel a baby inside, kicking.

It is worse now, while I'm fertile, but it persists. Stories of morning sickness, seeing maternity clothes, seeing or holding tiny new babies. Twinges in my core, twinges in my heart.

I must be healthier, take care of myself and get in good condition. Then pregnancy won't be so hard on me. Maybe. I hope.

From my pregnancy with Dee. I miss this...Not that old phone though.

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Random Updates

Howdy, everyone... How's life?

Yeah, I've neglected the whole writing thing lately. Bad Tena, bad!

Anyway.

Dee is now totally night weaned (yay!!). This took telling her that we only nurse at bedtime and morning (which I count as 5am at the earliest) and that if she wakes up at night (which she does, usually once or twice at 1-2am) we will hug her and snuggle her and put her back in her bed.

I'm much happier and more sane off of Mirena, still. I've been charting CM, which seems to be working pretty well for us (also using VCF spermicide films, not just checking CM). I'm not a huge fan of the short LP I've been having (9 days? no thanks), but I started taking B6 a couple days ago. I'm currently on 10DPO but PMSing like crazy, so waiting for AF to show at any second. Bleh. Hopefully the B6 will help so I'm not like oh, hey, it's period time again. It helped in the past (between kiddos).

I haven't been running in ages, though my legs are all better. I was planning on going this week but between working on J's Halloween costume (a pteranodon) and someone having made off with my shoe inserts I don't see it happening. I really need to find those, I have no idea where they went. They were on my night stand one morning and that afternoon, poof! Vanished.

I think that's all for the moment. I'm going to take my wedding ring in to get resized and replated today. Whee! Do I know how to live or what?! It needs to be made bigger...turns out that yes, my finger got fatter over the last almost 10 years, and that gaining 20 pounds in that same time frame doesn't mean my fingers are still the same size that they were when I was 20/21.

Longing for Fall (a poem)

The heat lays on my skin
Like damp gauze
I long for Fall
Even though Fall
Will bring Kindergarten
For my firstborn

Truly, before the Fall arrives
The air will cool
The leaves will change
And the garden will ripen
The birds will fly South
Heedless of the Equinox

A letter from myself, dated 12/4/2010

Hello, Future Tena.

It's me. I know that when you read this (again) J will be 5 and probably in kindergarten preschool, and Hush Puppy will be approaching 2. I just wanted to remind you that just in case your clock has started ticking again, you SO do not want to be pregnant again. C has probably already had a vasectomy, but don't get any ideas anyway.

I'm writing this at 19 weeks pregnant with Hush Puppy. I can't walk very long before my low back, hips, and groin start threatening to jump ship. I swear it sometimes feels like my pelvis is going to fall off. My boobs are already 34Gs (you'll have to let me know if they ended up getting bigger after the baby comes). My belly is constantly uncomfortably stretching, and it is hard to get comfortable when I lay down. I can't really bend over terribly far any more. I haven't gained much weight yet (about 2 pounds, I think), but this pregnancy is really hard on my body. I don't ever want to do this again, you hear? Also, the Braxton Hicks contractions have been hanging around and coming on strong a couple times a day. Fun, right? Oh, and sex? Forget it. It's not remotely enjoyable, which sucks because while I had no sex drive with J at least once I got going it was great. It's just really unpleasant and uncomfortable and leaves me aching afterward, and not in a good way. I haven't had an orgasm since...hmm. It's been a while. 

Anyway, I hope the kids are great and the dogs are great and that C is great and doing very well in his career.

Smoochies,
Me
12/4/2010

IT'S FALL!

Newsflash, right?

Things I'm looking forward to:

Long sleeves!

Sweaters!

Boots! (I need to glue a piece on my black ones, one of the sole grippy things on the heel fell off...Gorilla glue should work, right?)

Jackets! (Hmm, may need to get a new cute one...)

PRETTY LEAVES!

Adorable children dressed in adorable long sleeved outfits and/or sweaters! (Also, L wearing tights. Seriously *adorable* and she only has 2 long sleeved dresses at the moment...need to remedy that one)

Pumpkin Spice Lattes! 

Pumpkin bread! Pumpkin cookies! (Ok, so pretty much all things pumkin!)

Hot chocolate!

Being actually cold enough to get under all the covers at night.

Halloween! And costumes! And decorating the house!

Ponderances

I've been debating putting my blog up on Facebook. Hmm. If I did this, several things would happen.

1. Potentially, my family would see it. As would coworkers. Possibly even read it. Including my previously mentioned BSC* family member. And his offspring.

However...
I don't use names. Just initials (if that). So *technically* I don't identify them. However, it's pretty obvious who is who, and I won't be able to bitch about family or coworkers here anymore. 

2. I might get more readers, which would be good, but I might come off as jumping on the bandwagon and so on. What makes me think I am worthy of being a blog on Facebook? I don't know. I feel like I am a little behind the times since my blog doesn't have a Facebook page, but I don't feel worthy.

3. It might encourage me to blog more. Maybe. Don't know for sure.

Hm. I guess that's really only one sort of negative thing. Thoughts?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Thoughts on a Hazy Morning

Look, the Rockies disappeared!

It's 8:30 and I'm on my second cup of coffee for the day. No surprise there, given how *fantastically* well we slept last night. The sky is hazy, the sun was red as it came up. We were wondering if there was a fire somewhere, other than the ones in Washington. It took my friend and I over an hour to get to work this morning because there was an accident on the freeway.

I forgot to take my meds this morning. I've been depressed anyway, my friend's death sent me into a downward cycle and I find myself lacking motivation, lacking in energy, just plain lacking. I'm tired, deep down to the bones and back tired. Spiritually tired. I need a vacation. I will get one in a month, when C goes on his annual hunting trip, but that's a month off.

J starts preschool next week. I'm happy and sad at once, my baby boy is starting school. He won't be done for *at least* 13 years, no including college.

Happy Tuesday, I guess. Hope it's a good one!

July 3, 2012

11 Things

I saw this on Melinda's blog and thought I'd join the fun. I wasn't tagged, but why not? I'm not tagging anyone; if you read this and have a blog, why not do it too?

 
The rules are simple:
-Post the rules
-Post a pic of yourself  & 11 random facts
-Create 11 new questions & tag new bloggers to answer to answer them
-Go to their blog/twitter/facebook & tell them they've been tagged

This is from my 1980s-themed 19th birthday a few weeks ago.

1. Both of my pinky fingers are crooked- if I line them up side by side they make a "Y". J thinks this is awesome. 


2. My favorite dinosaur is Brachiosaurus.


3. My husband and I have been together for longer than my mom and dad were married (to each other).


4. I have 7 siblings, but only one of them is actually my "whole" sibling. The rest are halves or adopted. The oldest is 20 years older than I am, and the youngest is 11 years younger.


5. My favorite color is dark green.


6. When I was 11, my stepdad gave me a satchel-style bag. At the time, I didn't appreciate it and returned it. I still wish I'd kept it, because I would totally use it now. 


7. I have a serious love of podcasts. My favorites are Escape Pod, PseudoPod, PodCastle, the Dunesteef, the Drabblecast, Science Friday, and Keith and the Girl. 


8. I'd rather have morning sickness or pneumonia than a head cold. I loathe having clogged sinuses. 


9. Everyone in my immediate family (household) has a birthday with a 7 in it but me. 


10. I love shopping. Of ANY kind. It's even better when I can use coupons, and it's almost a competition for myself every week to get the best deal I can. 


11. I had a "dream fairy" when I was very young- like 5. She used to hang out in the closet in our bathroom and fold things while she talked to me in my dreams. I haven't seen her since I was 15 or 16, but she was still in the same bathroom even though we no longer lived in that house. 


Now, 11 questions for you to answer!

1. What is your favorite color?
2. If you had to choose 1 person from history to spend a day with, who would it be?
3. Who is your favorite author and what is your favorite book by them?
4. How many people are in your family?
5. What is the strangest thing a stranger has ever said to you or in your hearing?
6. Do you have any cool scars?
7. What is your least favorite flavor and why?
8. Name 3 irrational fears that you have (bugs, small children, etc).
9. What is your #1 hobby?
10. How many languages do you speak?
11. Are you superstitious? About what?


Have fun! Feel free to comment and link to your post!

Wordy Wednesday: Thankful

I've slacked off on actually doing this every day this month, so here you go. All in one fell swoop, a bunch of things I'm thankful for, but not one for every day in November.

I am thankful for my mom. Without her, I don't know how we'd be getting by financially every month. She has done so much for us, and for me, and I am very grateful.

I am thankful for my grandmother. She paid for my college education, she gave me my first car, and we bought our house from her. L's middle name is Margaret, in her honor, and I am sorry that my grandma won't ever know her namesake.

I am thankful for my husband. We've grown up together over the last 12 1/2 years, and we've been through a lot, and I am so glad he's part of my life.

I am thankful for my son. He is the light of my life, and makes me smile every day. I never expected him to have dimples, and I love all the other surprises he brings with him. He was so hard to bring into the world, and my pregnancy was hard, and I am thankful for having experienced it in order to have him in my life.

 

 

I am thankful for my daughter. I had long ago accepted the fact that I'd likely have 2 sons biologically, and I had almost given up on the idea that I could have a daughter when C's family seemed to make only boys. I am still giddy at times that I have a little girl, to play Barbies with (someday) and to dress up and to share the mother-daughter bond with, as I share it with my mother. I am so thankful for her, and I love her more than I can put into words. Her serious moods are so precious, and I look forward to watching her grow.

 

 

I am thankful for my puppies. Even though they drive me crazy sometimes.

I am thankful for coffee caffeine. Seriously, I don't get through days well without it. Maybe I'm addicted....

I am thankful for breastfeeding, and by extension, my boobs. I am so glad I've been able to have a successful breastfeeding relationship with both children, and I hope that L and I will continue that relationship for at least another year. 

I am thankful for my family. They are crazy and dysfunctional, and I don't necessarily like all of them all the time, but I am grateful that they are in my life.

This picture is probably 12 years old. It doesn't even include half of my family. Wow.

I am thankful for books. I guess this also applies to reading in general. We are a reading family, and I love it.

I am thankful for movies! I don't watch as many movies as I read books, but I do enjoy them. :-)

I am thankful for my girl friends. I don't have a best friend, really (other than C), but my girl friends remind me what life is really all about, and I love when we get together for book club or just interact online or whatever.

I am thankful for my lifelong friends. We may not talk regularly, and maybe we only keep in touch on Facebook, but that doesn't mean we love each other any less.

I am thankful for my family of choice. We have some friends that are family, even though no blood is shared. Life would not be the same without them, and they are a wonderful part of our lives.

I am thankful for chocolate.

I am thankful for Fall.

I am thankful for the Broncos, even when they lose, and even though there's some weird Tebow love fest going on.

I am thankful for my in-laws. They are wonderful people, and I feel so lucky that they are not (very) insane. Especially my mother-in-law, who is one of the most wonderful and sweet people I know.

 

 

I am also, of course, thankful to have this blog. I appreciate my few readers, of course, and it's really important for me to have this outlet.

So, what are you thankful for?

10 Years

I awoke early to get ready for my first day of college at the University of Denver. My roommate was still asleep. The air felt strange and heavy but I thought it was just in my head and tried to ignore it while I showered. I turned on the radio when I got back to my room, to listen as I got dressed. I remember taking my vitamins. The DJ was somber and he was talking about a plane crash. He was talking alongside a broadcast from New York. Screams of utter shock erupted as the second plane struck. I woke up my roommate, shaking her gently, telling her I think you should hear this.

Classes were not cancelled.

Welcome to adulthood.

There's No Better Way to Say It

Thank you, Blair.

http://theheirtoblair.com/2011/07/05/be-a-safe-haven/

May all parents take this as a reminder that our job is to be a safe haven for our children.

Thoughts on Blue Bell Ice Cream

Apparently it's a big deal, but Blue Bell ice cream is now available in Colorado. Eager to see what the big deal was all about, C went and bought some. It's really nothing special. I honestly think Ben and Jerry's is better. So is Haagen Dazs. Nothing beats Tillamook, of course, but we haven't had that ice cream since we left WA. It really was awesome. *Sigh*
So, in conclusion, Blue Bell is nothing special. Really. Not very exciting. About on par with Breyers, in my opinion, actually.

Nobody gave me anything for me to write this, I just figured I'd put my opinion out there. And if anyone from Tillamook wants to send me some ice cream, that would rock. Really, really, really rock. Like the huckleberry one. Mmm...