Musings

I need a different career.

I took Friday off, and it was wonderful. I got a ton done around the house, J and I had a blast, the dogs got taken for a nice walk. All weekend was like that, with J and I bonding and doing chores. I felt liberated, happy, and free.

I came in to work this morning, and felt the anxiety building. Crushing me. I feel like a prisoner in my own body when I am at work. Sometimes the cell becomes transparent and I can see right through it, as if it isn't there, but then moments later it's back, the hard surfaces enclosing me in their grasp. Feeling judged, an outsider. Incapable of blending in. Terrified of making a mistake that will make people think less of me, that will make them think I am a slacker. I want everyone to know I get my work done.

I used to want to me a doctor, specifically a pediatrician. Then I realized that just wanting to take care of children was also covered by wanting to be a mom. Next logical step? Just get my degrees in Molecular/Cellular Biology. PhD didn't end up being what I wanted any more than med school, so I got my MS instead. Moved back home, get a job as a lab monkey. Two years later, slightly higher ranked lab monkey, drowning in mucous in her prison cell.

Every day I resent having to work. Joyless Occupational Bondage, as the MK ladies called the daily grind. I know I am so lucky to have a job, and I am glad I have a job, but it takes me away from my son. C is working an overnight shift tonight, so he's gone til 2am. I wish his job could support us without me having to work. I don't want to work outside the home at all. I want to be home with my child, and other children as they come along, but at this point that just isn't in the stars. I desperately wish I could just get a job as a teacher. After baby #2 that will be an option- I didn't want to be dealing with maternity leave while teaching, since I've heard that's a big pain in the ass. The funny thing? I always thought teachers didn't make very good money. Turns out I'd make more teaching than I do now, plus I'd get summers off. Summers off would be better than no time off.

I only need to take two classes. Next summer, perhaps. After C is done with his degree.