Sunday, April 18, 2010

What am I so afraid of?

Jen's recent post at got me thinking. She has lost so much weight, and faced her fears and hangups about it. What is stopping me from losing a measly 15 pounds? I have already lost 10, then gained back 3 so now I have only lost 7. Seven pounds is better than nothing, but I can't seem to get the remaining 15 gone. WHY?!

1. I am afraid of Type II diabetes.  My paternal grandmother had this, developed after her 4 pregnancies. She had gestational diabetes with her 3rd and 4th pregnancies. I had it with my first. I have an increased chance- 20% to 50%- of developing Type II diabetes by the time I'm 35. God, just typing that scares the bejeebus out of me.
2. I am afraid of my high cholesterol. I got my cholesterol tested for free at work 2 years ago. It was pretty high. Not high enough to medicate, but high. My dad has high cholesterol. I am afraid that ignoring this problem is going to cause problems, but I am afraid that facing it is somehow admitting that I'm a failure. WHY?
3. I am afraid that nothing I do will prevent these familial diseases from "getting" me. 
4. I am afraid of ruining my knees by doing cardio. I already have chondromalacia. I am pretty much guaranteed to get arthritis in my knees at an early age, but if I don't run or jump rope, what else can I do at home? I can't ride a bike because it kills my hips.
5. I am afraid I am going to run out of excuses. Then what will I have?

6. I am afraid that I won't be able to enjoy sweet foods ever again. I find myself eating lots of horrid foods now, because I can. I am so afraid that they'll be taken away from me (see #1) that I keep trying to enjoy them while I can, but I'm not even enjoying them. I'm just stuffing my face with crap food, but it's become a compulsion.
7. I am afraid of gaining more weight. 142 was awful. Three years ago, I was ashamed to admit that I weighed 135 when I got pregnant, but now 135 is better than 142. How long will it take before 142 seems like no big deal?
8. I am afraid that if I don't lose this 15 pounds now I never will, and that if I don't lose it before I get pregnant again it makes me a failure. 

Just writing this has helped clarify some things. I need to stop eating just because I "can" and because I tell myself I "deserve" it. No matter how hard my day was, I don't "deserve" to hurt my body that way. I need to re-learn moderation. I need to stop failing myself. I need to admit that I am afraid and just grow a pair and take care of myself.

Coming up in a second post...the history of my struggle with loving my body.

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