Tomatoes!

My tomatoes are turning colors! Yay! I have 3 ripe yellow pear tomatoes, and a couple of my better boys and early girls are becoming orangey. Pictures to come later.

It looks like O date was CD14 after all. On to cycle 2.

Optimism

I looked very closely at my chart. If I tell FF to analyze it using the FAM, I get an ovulation day of CD 14, which is what I had been going off of, and my chart is triphasic, I appear to be at 13DPO, and it looks like this:

If, however, I change the settings to "Advanced" analysis, which takes all factors into account (I think), I get an ovulation day of CD 17, which puts me at 10DPO today. Considering that I had made a note on CD17 that I had so much EWCM I was doubting my ovulation date, I'm really thinking this may be the correct O date, even though I didn't feel a darn thing. This is the chart with that interpretation. (I also dropped that random high temp, but only because it gave me pretty solid crosshairs vs dotted ones.)

I am suddenly feeling much more optimistic about this cycle. Considering that I apparently started testing at 6DPO (which I thought was 9 at the time), no wonder I've only gotten BFNs. 

Second Grade

The classroom smelled like construction paper, lined paper, and children and books and desks. We had colored pencils that had crayon instead of colored lead, we used to fight over who got to use them. I cheated on a spelling test, the one and only time I ever cheated on anything, because I couldn't remember how to spell "wizard." I got caught before I even finished writing the word because my supposed best friend ratted me out. He also later said that my handwriting was crap, even though it was some of the neatest in the class and certainly better than his. I got in trouble for calling one of my classmates a grouch, although all I said was "Don't be a grouch." The teacher used to babysit my siblings and I when my parents were working in the city. She had chickens, ducks, horses, and dogs. We used to watch a movie about Dutch ice skaters.

Whining.

BFN this morning. 13 DPO. I got the BFP with J on 13 DPO. I *know* that in theory I could still be pregnant. That we could have been successful. That my cramps and perfect triphasic chart might actually mean something. My only other triphasic chart was when I was pregnant with J. But the fact is that I have gotten 5 negative tests. I know, testing early is not necessarily a good idea. I figured the odds were in my favor of getting a positive. Apparently not. I'm not giving up til I have to, but I'm not holding out any hope either. I just need to stay away from Fertility Friend's chart gallery and be realistic.

I had a couple of spots on the white shirt I wanted to wear today. Couldn't find the Tide pen thingy, so I diluted some bleach and applied it directly. 20 minutes later I had 2 LAVENDAR spots on my white shirt. Discovered as I was buckling my seatbelt in the car. What the fuck. Had to change my shirt.

Driving in to work, I came to an all-way stop. A bicyclist kept on going, didn't slow down and didn't look. Apparently he missed the memo that he's supposed to follow traffic laws too. Asshole. I honked at him, he gave me a dirty look, and kept on going. I found myself hoping he gets hit, and realized that is a horrible, horrible thing to wish on anyone, and amended my hope to be that he runs a stop sign in front of a cop. Or hits a cop.

I feel down and hormonal and awful. I just need to deal with it. It's pretty damn unlikely that we'd have been successful the 1st cycle anyway. There's only a 20% chance of someone my age getting knocked up in a given cycle (when everything is perfect), and it took us 4 cycles with J, so why shouldn't it take at least that many for the next kid.

Dammit. It's only 9:15.

ETA: I made a mistake at work this week. I thought that something we were supposed to ship on 7/20 was supposed to ship 8/20. As soon as I realized it, I set about trying to ship the stuff yesterday, just one day late. Well, I didn't have time to finish before I had to leave in order for C to get to work in time. So I called the person to whom we shipped the stuff, made sure it was okay with her that I ship on Monday because I didn't have time to finish sorting everything out, and it was totally fine with her. Emailed my boss this morning just to keep him in the loop. He sends me an email about how he doesn't understand why things like this keep happening because I am "not busy." Um, what? I've never missed a shipment date before. I get it. I am not putting 110% into this job, but I MAKE MISTAKES. I'm fucking human, people.

Fuck I'm hormonal today. I just want to sit in the corner and cry.

Probably Meaningless

Smells:

Pickles
Onions (with an afterstink of tuna salad)
Earl Grey tea

Tastes:
vanilla/chocolate froyo
cream cheese flavored frosting

Have you tried the random? I hear it's good.

My back hurts. Sciatica. For 2 days now. Just because yesterday I wanted to take the dogs and The Boy for a nice long walk after a long hiatus. We did do 1.7 miles, but OW. We made it for 15 minutes today before my sciatica started stabbing me in the ass.

I don't know WTF is up with my chart this month. Well, I know WTF I hope is up with it, but I don't know that's what it is, because apparently I pee on things too soon. *sigh* Seriously, impatient here.

I've felt "letdown" reflexes twice in the past few days (if you've never breastfed, this will make no sense to you). Apparently that can be a sign of pregnancy, and as I haven't felt that in over 6 months (it's now been a year since J was weaned), I'm inclined to over hope. Oy.

What else...hmm. I've been really thirsty, but that may have more to do with the fact that we're in the middle of July in Colorado than anything else.

I'm so damn bloated I look pregnant. It's getting on my nerves and I am running out of shirts that hide the pudge. I guess I have to do some laundry.

I spent a good chunk of time going through the chart gallery on FF the other day, looking at triphasic charts (which mine is). From my research, it appears that between 2/3 and 3/4 of triphasic charts were pregnancy charts.

A Boy and His Daddy

J was loving on his daddy at Applebee's last night.

Books and Randomness

I am feeling low at the moment. I've been getting snappy lately at little things, especially at J which makes me feel even worse about it. It doesn't help that it's been hideously hot out and we don't have A/C (other than our ghetto fabulous fan blowing cool air up from the basement). It doesn't help that ever since C got fired from his swing group (that he helped start. Damn you, you stupid son of a bitch that fired my husband) he's been in a bit of a funk himself, and prone to being a grouch. I think that my mood may also be affected by some of the books I've been reading/listening to, including the following.

The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. Not a happy book. Your typical post-apocalyptic story, but about a father and son traveling the road in search of something better. The last little bit is a little lighter, but still. Pretty damn depressing.

The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak. WWII Germany from Death's point of view via a young German girl who steals books. Incredibly well written and riveting, but still not exactly a happy story.

Ancestor, by none other than Mr. Sigler. Animals generated to produce human compatible organs for transplants, gone horribly wrong. This is actually the happiest book I'm currently reading. Um, yeah. Lots and lots of violence, and death. Doesn't make me love this book any less, of course. Yay science! Also, it's autographed, so that makes me happy. This is the second time I've "read" the story, though the first time was actually listening to the podcasted first edition, so there are some differences between that and the current book. I'm a big fan of all the changes though. (psst...You should buy this book, or listen to it via podcast in iTunes. He's not too far into it, so you can catch up pretty quick. Also, it's free that way, and you get to hear the awesomeness of the FDO's narration skills.) Anyway, my point is, it's not exactly an uplifting sort of book. If I wanted uplifting horror I'd read Steven King, but since I rather agree with Scott Sigler that horror shouldn't always have a happy ending, I'd rather not. I like the relatively happy endings of Sigler's books, since some things work out, and some things don't, and the good guys don't always make it out but the ones that do get a respite from the horror. Just like in real life. Sorta.(Also, Mr. Scott Sigler, since I know you are probably going to read this, I hope your tour is going well, and that you are having fun not getting too drunk with the junkies, and that Baby McButter has not yet tried to eat your face while you sleep or anything.)

Wow. I think after all this death and sad stuff I ought to read something more uplifting. Like Les Miserables. You think I'm joking, but I'm honestly not. That's one of my favorite books to cheer me up. Ooh, or maybe Jane Eyre. That's one of my favorite books period.

Or maybe I'll read Pirates, In an Adventure With Scientists. That's quick, silly, and happy.

By the way, I've now finished 25 out of my 75 books for the year. It may be tricky to get that next 50 done, but I will persevere!

Things The Boy Has Said

On a longish car ride, we had the following conversation as J looked out the window:
J: "I see bears outside. Daddy bear and beeb bears."
Me: "What are the bears doing?"
J: "Hiding."
At this point I start suggesting things the Berenstain bears do, just in case his bears happened to be doing those things as well. James said "no" to all my suggestions until this one: "Are the bears hiking?"
J: "Yes, bears climb mountain. See saur (=dinosaur). T-Rex. Saur says RAAWR, eats bears."
C: "The dinosaur ate the bears?"
J: "Yes. Lots."



Here are some other amusing revelations that the boy has had:


"Mama has squishy boobies. I have squishy boobies!" (followed by him pinching his chest)

"That's CRAZY." (comments from the peanut gallery as C and I were talking about something)

"I have big balls." (this is much funnier out of context, so I won't explain)

*fake cough* "Mama, cough. I need medicine." (followed by a cheesy grin; though I should add that he woke up with a real cough, and was very excited because that meant he could have medicine)

"Lion pants! Raaar!" (as he tries to put his lion shirt on as pants)

"Mama! I heared funder! You heared funder? Funder means is raining. Tigger says funders scary." (I think he was talking about 4th of July fireworks as thunder, because he'd just learned what thunder was but there wasn't any that night, just fireworks.)

"Mama! Need more fisses (kisses)! Need fisses on my cheets (cheeks). And my ears. And...uh...need nuvver fiss onna cheets." (stalling at bedtime)

"Daddy, wanna call grahma." (They call Grandma.) "Hi Grahma! Okay talktoyoulater." (James closes the phone.)

"Bye Grahma, havegoodday!" (saying goodbye to a different grandma than the one he hung up on)

Interesting.

If you are of the male persuasion, you may not want to read this. Consider yourself warned.


Today I am on CD13. I had a temp dip and am having ovulation pains, and lots of EWCM. This is the earliest I have ever ovulated. Huh. Interesting. I guess I'll see tomorrow if I actually O'd today or not, but still. Interesting.

Squee!!

J and I met Scott Sigler tonight. It was awesome. He's such a nice guy! Not nearly as tall as I thought, which is good, because I was intimidated enough at meeting him. It would have only been scarier if he'd been towering over me. I also had the opportunity to slam my first ever bar-purchased IPA (a Bridgeport, if you are wondering. Mmmm, IPA...) at the bar after the book signing. I did make him an ancestor plush of his very own, too. Just because I plan to sell a few to other Junkies doesn't mean I'll make Scott pay for one. That would just be wrong. He signed Infected (it says "Save Perry's Balls!") and Ancestor ("Thanks for the Ancestor, Baby McButter Rocks.") for me, and we got a picture!  Anyway. This was a monumental night for me. I think I'd rank it higher than meeting Bruce Campbell, because, well, Scott Sigler is more down to earth and I got to drink a beer with him.

Currently Available Free Samples

Tara over at DealSeekingMom posted this fantastic list of currently available freebies. I love getting freebies in the mailbox, it makes it feel like a holiday or something when I get free samples!