Thursday, July 22, 2010


BFN this morning. 13 DPO. I got the BFP with J on 13 DPO. I *know* that in theory I could still be pregnant. That we could have been successful. That my cramps and perfect triphasic chart might actually mean something. My only other triphasic chart was when I was pregnant with J. But the fact is that I have gotten 5 negative tests. I know, testing early is not necessarily a good idea. I figured the odds were in my favor of getting a positive. Apparently not. I'm not giving up til I have to, but I'm not holding out any hope either. I just need to stay away from Fertility Friend's chart gallery and be realistic.

I had a couple of spots on the white shirt I wanted to wear today. Couldn't find the Tide pen thingy, so I diluted some bleach and applied it directly. 20 minutes later I had 2 LAVENDAR spots on my white shirt. Discovered as I was buckling my seatbelt in the car. What the fuck. Had to change my shirt.

Driving in to work, I came to an all-way stop. A bicyclist kept on going, didn't slow down and didn't look. Apparently he missed the memo that he's supposed to follow traffic laws too. Asshole. I honked at him, he gave me a dirty look, and kept on going. I found myself hoping he gets hit, and realized that is a horrible, horrible thing to wish on anyone, and amended my hope to be that he runs a stop sign in front of a cop. Or hits a cop.

I feel down and hormonal and awful. I just need to deal with it. It's pretty damn unlikely that we'd have been successful the 1st cycle anyway. There's only a 20% chance of someone my age getting knocked up in a given cycle (when everything is perfect), and it took us 4 cycles with J, so why shouldn't it take at least that many for the next kid.

Dammit. It's only 9:15.

ETA: I made a mistake at work this week. I thought that something we were supposed to ship on 7/20 was supposed to ship 8/20. As soon as I realized it, I set about trying to ship the stuff yesterday, just one day late. Well, I didn't have time to finish before I had to leave in order for C to get to work in time. So I called the person to whom we shipped the stuff, made sure it was okay with her that I ship on Monday because I didn't have time to finish sorting everything out, and it was totally fine with her. Emailed my boss this morning just to keep him in the loop. He sends me an email about how he doesn't understand why things like this keep happening because I am "not busy." Um, what? I've never missed a shipment date before. I get it. I am not putting 110% into this job, but I MAKE MISTAKES. I'm fucking human, people.

Fuck I'm hormonal today. I just want to sit in the corner and cry.