Friday, May 29, 2009
I wish I could take a sick day to cover depression/anxiety/ocd/lack of motivation, but I don't think that will fly.
"Hey, boss, I am not in a good head space, so I'm taking a few sick days."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This week I've accomplished the following:
1. Located a recycling center in my area.
2. Made a trip to the library to return books (today).
3. Made a salad from the greens in my garden (today).
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
Then they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
I did not protest;
I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
I did not speak out;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out for me.
Martin Niemöller, "First They Came"Shame on you, California. Shame on you, America, for allowing the idea of Proposition 8 to represent us as a nation.
Here I thought we lived in a time of tolerance. I was mistaken. Apparently the religious right in this country has a firmer grasp on the legal aspects of the way we function as a society than I'd believed. Why is it even their business who gets married? I can't believe that God, in whatever form there is a God, would create people to love, and then allow other people to rally against the love that blooms when and where it may bloom, in the name of "faith." Despicable.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Also, this allows me to scratch off #54 on my to-do list!
All posts imported from the other blog can be found here under the label "Budget-Friendly Living."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
1. Sorted through baby clothes from my older brother's 15yo son that Brother T gave to my sisters and I for our boys. Boy were they dated...however, I did pick out a ton of Baby Gap shirts and onesies that were in great shape.
2. Brought in cardboard building bricks from the car that Sister M gave us. They'd been in the car since Tuesday. I put them in the basement for J to build with this summer on hot days. I can hardly wait to see what he does with them!
3. I actually shampooed the dining room carpet this week. I need to go over it again, with vinegar, but it is progress!
Here's the link to the article, part 6 is about the cost factor:
However, the velcro/aplix on our older BGs is wearing out, and the velcro I am using to replace it isn't exactly perfect. It works better than trying to use worn out aplix though. I only have 13 more to fix. Haha. I think as these wear out we'll buy any replacement BGs as the newest ones that come with snaps.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I have been having vivid nightmares nearly every night lately. I also notice that my heart palpitations have returned, which is a sign that my meds may need to be increased (correlation with increased anxiety and panic attacks). Perhaps the nightmares tie into this.
There was the nightmare I mentioned in a previous recent post, and then two nights ago there was another one. That one was far more gory and graphic than anything from the first nightmare. Essentially someone was cutting babies and me, and this involved my left ear being cut mostly off. I remember the horrible sound that it made, though in the dream there was not the expected amount of pain, just lots of blood filling my ear. This was set in a rather dystopian world (think Blade Runner). Last night's dream was just unsettling, featuring a little girl who'd been kidnapped and was being abused and we set out to rescue her.
I find myself having to forcibly redirect my line of thought at times, especially when it gets into the OCD visions that are making an unwelcome comeback into my life. They aren't as bad as they could be or even as bad as they have been at times in the past, but they primarily center around J which scares the piss out of me. Just a note: they never involve me doing anything to hurt my child. A couple days ago I had a flash of his fingers if he dropped something heavy on them, having to go to the emergency room to have them reattached, and it made me sick to my stomach to think of it. I have similar image flashes about my dogs, where if Athena gets out I will have horrible thoughts of her having been shot or attacked by another dog (bear in mind we live in the suburbs, so a shooting is not very likely) or even hit by a car. MacGuyver I generally only visualize that he's stopped breathing or something has happened to him that I should have prevented, a far cry from the things I used to see about him when we lived in WA. On the upside, once the initial vision is past, it is not terribly easy for me to recall the details anymore, which is great. I used to have them and then be able to recall them in all their horrible details for months (or in some cases, years) afterward.
Of course, this may also just be that C and I are stressed about money (haha, like we are ever not stressed about it). I am trying very hard to keep myself "normal" but I've been exhausted lately, and the nightmares don't let me sleep well. This morning I woke up feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time. I am going to try to exercise more, as my fitness endeavor has absolutely fallen by the wayside. I have lost about 1-2 pounds, but that's really not significant. I guess I just feel better about my body and don't really feel the urge to lose a lot of weight right now. I am a bit overwhelmed with everything, I think. Yet, here I am at work, not doing anything productive (lack of motivation is another depression flag) and blogging instead. That said, I have done everything I was "supposed" to today, but I can't just leave since I got here late because C worked this morning.
*Sigh* I just want to go home and spend time with my family. I want to clean the house and do laundry. I don't want to be sitting here on my ass doing nothing but having to stay even though I've finished my work for the day.
Monday, May 18, 2009
"Mama" jade plant, plus two sunflowers and a bunch of mini daisies that I had seeds left from. I'm honestly surprised that they're growing, I got the seeds at the Target $1 bins like 4 years ago and they never grew before...
A fountain that C gave me for our anniversary once, accompanied by the Norfolk Island Pines that I bought the Christmas before J was born, and the bamboo given to me by a friend when J was born.
Another baby jade plant (I have problems throwing the trimmings away, ok?), a philodendron baby for my mom, and snake plants from my mom.
Our big Norfolk Island pines (well, the smaller one, the big one is attached to the trunk in the pot but wouldn't fit in the picture) and my numerous coleus plants, grown from seed last year!
My much-abused Peace Lily, given to me by the mother of my older siblings when C and I had our housewarming party. I really almost killed it and my container gardening book says it's very easy to grow. Hmm. Also pictured is the mystery plant (white pot) from Florida that I discovered one day as an itty bitty baby plant in with my Christmas cactus. Thinking it was a baby jade plant (the mommy plant was next to the cactus) I let it grow, but it soon developed pointy saw-toothed leaves, so I moved it to it's own pot. It somehow came from my mom's house, since they have a whole mess of them, but it took almost 2 years to show up here. It reproduces by dropping baby plantlets from it's leaves. I think I shall call it the rabbit plant, since it's already got about 10 babies around it (too small to see well in the picture). If you know what it is, please tell me! It is definitely a succulent of some kind, and the leaves are sort of speckle-stripey.
My Outdoor Garden:
L-R: Sunflowers grown from the head of one of my pitiful ones from last summer. Already they are healthier than the last set. Zucchinis! Last, my single happy strawberry plant. I have another one but it is not nearly as happy. The other big pot has bush beans in it, but they haven't sprouted yet.
My ghetto planter that C made me last summer! It's definitely not going to make it past this growing season, but then he'll make me a better one. Anyway, back to front: wild spinach (seeds taken from my dad's garden in WA), lettuce mix, radishes and carrots (not sprouted yet), 4 pitiful little pepper plants, and a bunch of pitiful tomato plants. I really hope they start thriving.
My rosebush that I transplanted last fall. The looped part is all that grew from it, and appears to be the miniature rose bush that I transplanted. My red roses (pictured here last year) did not survive the winter, but it seems they cross-pollinated with the minis because there's a huge regular rosebush sized "branch" coming up!! The leaves and everything are consistent with the standard rosebush, so it will be interesting to see what happens here. The miniature roses bloom bright pink. Also pictured are some Jonny Jump-Ups that come back every year (the yellow and purple pansy-flowers).
Saturday, May 16, 2009
DNA replicates. Have I wasted my time? What am I doing with my life? Cells divide, they die, daughter cells divide. Viruses sneak in and add themselves to the DNA of the cell. T-Cells target and destroy infected cells. Shivers and fever set in. Do I want to do this forever? How are cells that different from people? People reproduce, they die, their children reproduce. People sicken and die, but are not put out of their misery even as humanely as an animal. They are made to suffer through the pain and dying. They are made to grow old and skeletal and deaf and they are ignored. They are lonely and isolated but reunion with those who've gone before is delayed yet again as dawn breaks and their eyes open. Their own grandchildren are unsure how to interact with them; their children have lives of their own. They lay in bed and stare at the window. Reminiscing? Remembering a lose spouse or child or pet? Reliving childhood? Trying to recall what's been forgotten? Or hoping that each day will be the last? That tomorrow will, for them, not come? That the ache and weakness of being alone and old and incontinent will end because the breaths have ceased?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes. Surrender. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Here are the rules of the game:
-Mention the person that tagged you.
-Complete the following lists of 8's.
-Tag 8 of your wonderful bloggy friends.
-Go tell them you tagged them!
Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1) My container garden growing this summer.
2) Having a "real" house with a yard and a "real" garden someday.
3.) Sex ;-)
4.) My son growing up.
5.) Seeing my dad in Washington.
6.) Having more kids someday, by birth and by adoption.
7.) Growing old with C.
8.) Parker Book Club tonight!
Eight Things I Did Yesterday:
1.) Woke up on time!
3.) Nursed J
4.) Walked the dogs with J.
6.) Put J to bed.
7.) Had sex.
8.) Watched TV.
Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:
1.) Stay at home and raise my kid(s).
2.) Knit really intricate things.
3.) Write stories part time as my job, and make good money with it.
4.) Win the lottery! I probably have to play for that to happen. Haha!
5.) Eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight.
6.) Not have to worry about ever getting diabetes or heart disease.
7.) Be more patient.
8.) Go out to eat whenever I wanted.
Eight Shows I watch:
2.) Ghost Whisperer
3.) Private Practice
4.) Hell's Kitchen
5.) The Simpsons
6.) Dirty Jobs
7.) The Dog Whisperer/all those nanny shows
8.) Boston Legal
I don't actually have 8 followers, so I am copying SP and saying this is for everyone!!! :-) Enjoy!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I have noticed that J is beginning to look like a little boy. When he's nursing (which he now calls mehmeh, his word for milk) he looks like a small boy, not like a baby anymore. He has this wonderful devious grin when he's pleased with himself that absolutely is the grin of a small boy rather than that of an infant. His vocabulary and skills seem to be increasing by the minute. I don't know how far above average he is, but he's definitely up there. I know, I know, everyone thinks their baby is super smart, but it's not just C and I that have noticed that J seems sort of special. MIL (used to work in a daycare) and friends of ours have also commented that he seems very smart for such a young toddler. On a more average note, J has also just suddenly begun using a spoon at meals to eat his applesauce. He refuses to let C or I feed him any more. He also brushes his teeth and only lets me help a little to direct him. He *has* to do the actual brushing himself. Picky boy!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I opened my bedroom door to the smell of dog shit, meaning that Athena had another accident in her kennel. They truly are accidents, because it is always diarrhea when she goes in her kennel. Also, the hound threw up in and out of his kennel. I didn't know dogs could projectile vomit, but evidently it was still yummy because Athena ate it as soon as I let her out. Ugh. I don't know what they ate, but dammit that is not the way to start a day.
C worked this morning, so I stayed home with J til he got done, then I went in to work.
My headspace is just not great today. I really, desperately want to be at home with my son. I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to be a homemaker. I want to take my son and my dogs on a long walk today, and hang out in the park. I do not want to be here, analyzing the contents of someone's bodily secretions. I hate having to leave every morning and miss the day with my child. I resent that my husband gets to stay home. I understand that he is a work at home dad, but I wish he could get a full-time or almost full-time job and that I could be the one who stays home. Would it really be that hard for him to teach? I guess he'd have to have his BA at the very least to do that, but still. It isn't fair.
I know, life isn't fair, blah blah blah. It also isn't fair that we don't have enough money, or that I have to go to work to a job that I am overqualified for and that hardly taps into my skills and knowledge base. It's not fair that I can't stay home. It's not fair that I feel this way. It's not fair that my house is an absolute mess and that by the time I get home in the evening I am so drained that I don't have the energy or the inclination to clean. It's not fair that SIL D keeps losing babies. It's not fair that my mom works so much and is so busy she hardly has time to breathe. It just isn't fair.
I woke up this morning from a very disturbing, unpleasant dream. It was not quite to the level of nightmare but it wasn't exactly puppies and rainbows either. Someone wanted my child, or someone's child, and was killing people horribly to get that child. I killed a man by holding a hacksaw blade against his throat until it crushed his windpipe and cut through his skin, and I could see inside his throat. There were cavemen and mammoths on the periphery. Everything was shades of brown and red and death. There was a vicious wind and I was supposed to be protecting my nephew and my son and I only protected my son at first, but then I herded both boys up a muddy slope to shelter.
I hate this.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Seattle's transit system may not be a money maker, but it was so much nicer than the one here. You could *easily* get anywhere by bus and walking. Denver? Ha. Good luck with that. There aren't even sidewalks in many cases, and the bus routes aren't logical many times. To commute the same distance (but public transit) to work that I did when we lived in the PNW takes twice as long, because there are no direct routes. It also costs way more- $2 a ticket/ride versus my practically free student pass from graduate school.
Seattle was a much prettier city, but downtown Denver has it's beauty too. Also, fewer homeless people harassing me for money I don't have, and fewer pigeons. Seattle had the Market, but we now have a small farmers market walking distance from our house.
Spring arrives in February in Seattle, usually (perhaps not this year, with all the random snow), where it has just made its debut here in April. It's also supposed to be about 85 degrees today in Denver. Ugh. It rarely gets that hot in Seattle in the summer.
When I lived in Seattle I missed the sun. I missed it enough that I will never live there again. The glamor fades rather more quickly when I take that into consideration. I will always hold a special place in my heart for Seattle, and I love to visit, but live there again? No.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
This morning, J and C woke me up with cards and the movie Chocolat. Apparently, when C asked J what they should get me for Mother's Day J said "Numanums." So my gifts are all chocolate themed! I am getting fancy chocolates from a chocolatier near our house in addition to the movie (C just hasn't had a chance to pick them up yet). After I dropped C off at work, J and I went to get the oil changed and then we went to see my grandmother. We brought her some flowers and a card, as well as a "picture" J made for her. It was pretty depressing to visit her. First of all, she's so deaf it's almost impossible to talk to her. J also thought it would be nice to throw a crying fit the whole time we were there, so I ended up only staying like 15 minutes because I didn't want to disturb the other residents. Grandma was so glad to see us, it really made me aware of how lonely she is there. She just laid in bed the whole time and stared at the window, looking really melancholy. J, who has recently decided to discover fear, was also afraid of my grandmother. *sigh*
We went up to my mom's house for "brunch" at 2:00, which was great. The food was great, and my family was mellow and not crazy. J thinks my brother Goose (not his real name, I used to call him Goose when he was little) is just hilarious. They had a great time playing this afternoon.
This evening I actually accomplished some stuff! I fixed the velcro on one diaper, and I fixed little things on two of my shirts and on some of J's pjs. I also washed diapers. Now, off to bed!
Happy Mother's Day to every mother out there!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Anyway, I was getting Ian (age 2 1/2) out of the booster seat, and I felt the familiar vibrations of kid farts on my arm. I asked him if he just farted on me, and he said "No, I just rumbled in my diaper." I about died laughing. The things kids say!
J had a great time, and had fun playing with Ian and eating some hotdog (cut up, of course). After the previous chirping incident we felt it best not to give J any birthday cake, but I don't think he really cared. He was showing off his mad walking skills to his aunts and uncles and talking on the Elmo phone that lives at Grandma's (MIL's) house.
J's current words (meaning words that he is currently using regularly, by no means the complete list of words he knows): Mama, Dada, dog/dogs, look, dat (that), watch (or what, we're not really sure which he means), numanum (food), tup (cup), ish (fish), banana, hat, shoes (sooozsh), sock (shok), and hi.
I think that's all his words for now. He has also said "Dog soozsh?" to ask either if MacGuyver was wearing shoes or if he should be wearing shoes, I'm not sure which. He said "Dog hat" yesterday while putting his hat on Athena. She was patient but not very amused.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I have said in the past that I am not religious, which is true. I do, however, believe in the power of positive prayer and I, too, will be praying for them in my own way.
Noah's story is so very tragic. To think that this could happen to J breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. One day, you have a happy, healthy child- the next, they are clinging to life. Babies may be hard to break (according to our pediatrician) but they are not unbreakable.
Please, please hug your babies, no matter how old they are, and make sure everyone that cares for them knows that they should never, ever shake a baby.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I have also been taking the stairs at work, so go me!
Last I checked (Friday) my weight was still the same. *sigh* I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, I have been eating absolute crap lately. My typical breakfast is a good protein-carb balance though, in line with South Beach-ish, and it would have been fine with my GD diet, so I'm calling it good. I have been having one egg, scrambled, wrapped in half a tortilla. Yum!
J made fun of me taking my vitamins this morning. I usually take a sip of juice, then pop the various and assorted vitamins (my Zoloft, my Target prenatal vitamin, and for the next week or so a vitamin C and D just til I'm sure that my mastitis is gone, so total 4 1/2 pills) into my mouth and swallow. Well, this morning, J saw me, got a devilish look in his eye, and smushed his hand, palm open, into his face. I guess that's what he thinks I look like? He thought it was hilarious though, laughing and grinning! Then I asked him to blow me a kiss. He looked at me, said "Nah" and turned around to start stealing tupperware out of the cabinet. Goofy boy!
Oh, the title? Hmm. I just happened to tap out the tune to that song on the keyboard. There you have it.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
2 c. cooked rice
1 c. shredded cheddar
1 can tuna
3/4 c black olives (diced)
1 Tbsp dried minced onions
1 Tbsp parsley flakes
1 tsp salt
2 eggs, beaten
2 Tbsp milk
Beat eggs and milk together. Mix all "dry" ingredients together and add the eggs and milk. Spoon into a muffin pan, either greased or lined with cups. Bake at 375 for 15 minutes. Makes 12.
I like using wild rice or brown rice for these. They also freeze very well, so it's easy to make them in bulk and take them out as needed for toddler lunches.
1. One of my all-time favorite comfort foods is tuna-rice muffinlets (recipe to be posted later this evening).
2. My pinky fingers are both so crooked that if I hold them side-to-side, they make a Y.
3. I have green-hazel eyes.
4. I think I'm a little clairvoyant sometimes, but then, aren't we all?
5. I have never faked an orgasm.
6. However, C seems to think I have more orgasms than I actually do.
7. I feel justified in judging other parents' "methods" now that I am a parent.
8. I am totally addicted to PackRat on Facebook.
9. I can count on one hand the number of times I have skipped breakfast in my entire life.
10. I share a birthday with Oprah and Thomas Paine.
11. I have a ton of freckles, but have never hated them.
12. I get freckles on my lips in the summer.
13. I absolutely love rain, but Seattle depressed me.
14. I have wanted to have a baby since I was 5 years old.
15. My first cat was calico, and her name was Rainbow.
16. I have a lot of favorite movies, but if forced to pick just one, I will always go with Rosemary's Baby.
17. I love to write short stories, mainly fantasy, but I've been branching into horror recently.
18. I seriously love sleep. Really. LOVE. IT.
19. I am a little nervous about what our future children will be like, since J has been so wonderful and easy.
20. I am a sucker for romantic comedies (books or movies).
21. I daydream and fantasize little stories almost constantly, much to C's amusement.
22. If an animal needs rescuing, I am totally there.
23. I have rescued a finch, a chicken, a pigeon, two starlings, and Athena.
24. I sometimes surprise myself with my brilliance.
25. Chocolate is one of my favorite things, but when I was pregnant I had no desire for it at all because it tasted funny.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wednesday night, my left breast began to hurt. I thought it was a plugged duct, which I've had before, but easy to resolve, nursed J on that side and went to bed without further thought. Yesterday my breast felt worse, but I nursed J on the left before the right, again, and then hopped on a plane to go to Chicago for a training session. Return trip was that night. My breast was really hurting, feeling swollen and hot when I returned home, but again I nursed J on that side all 3 times he woke up last night. Nursing has become painful on that side.
This morning I spent 5 minutes in the shower massaging my breast, expressing the milk until I got the clog out the best I could. There was no clog, but there was a thick, yellow, pudding-like substance- pus.
Looks like my old buddy mastitis decided to come back for a visit. I don't get fevers when I get mastitis, but this explains why my temps are elevated in the absence of ovulation, after my cold had resolved.
I really hope this goes away. I am going to be doping up on Vitamin C and D, and taking a hot shower and nursing as much as I can. Apparently the pus isn't bad for J, it just grosses me out.